CAMBRIDGE, MA – Scientists have been investigating an outbreak that has been sweeping over the world the past several years that has been coined “Bieber fever.” The fever, which has struck millions of teenagers and some heterosexual married men, causes significant neurologic impairment. Dr. Fred Giddeon, an infectious disease specialist has been studying this phenomenon for years.
“The fever seems to affect neurocognitive function the most,” said Giddeon. “Infected patients tend to shriek, cry, pass out, and sing when Justin Bieber comes on the radio or on stage. I knew they weren’t screaming because the music was good, but rather an infection or impairment must be causing the screaming when his music is played.”
Last week the investigation made headway when Giddeon was able to locate areas of the brain that contained Treponema pallidum in fans. “Neurosyphilis is to blame for this behavior and it needs immediate treatment!”
“The problem we are facing now is that we have people who didn’t even realize they are infected,” continued Giddeon. “Neurosyphilis is different from the sexually-transmitted disease (STD) version of syphilis in that it can be transmitted via air droplets and soundwaves.”
“Infection only occurs if you listen to Bieber music, somewhat enjoy it, and happen to be with someone who is already infected. The brain cells become susceptible through the ear canal and you develop symptoms of Bieber Fever,” said Giddeon. “We recommend not listening to and enjoying Justin Bieber to help prevent this outbreak.”
Giddeon continues, “If you find yourself humming ‘Baby, Baby’ or ‘As Long As You Love Me,’ you may be infected already with Bieber fever. Get to your doctor ASAP and get that penicillin shot STAT!”