NEW BERN, NC – A local New Bern emergency department has made it abundantly clear to the town that they will be refusing to care for firework injuries this year on July 4th.
“Listen, last year our town saw over 32 firework injuries on July 4th,” said local resident John Klippelvan. “Many injuries became instant YouTube video hits and our town became known as the laughing stock of the south. We have to find a way to stop this.”
The new rule attempts to scare people into thinking that they don’t have a backup plan anymore. “You blast your right arm with a firework, guess what, fix it yourself.”
EM physician, Dr. Karen Timberly believes firmly in the new stance: “One of the reasons you have drunk guys lighting fireworks from their butts is because they know if they hurt themselves, we will be able to fix them up. Not this year.”
The ED’s message is if you want to play with fire in this town, you are on your own. A family practice physician, Dr. Ernie Deasins was interviewed about having to work on July 4th.
“We need Darwinism to sneak back into our society. We [medical community] have propped up too many people that shouldn’t be alive today which has allowed the creation of ‘super idiots’ that the world has never seen before. Seriously, has anybody seen the movie Idiocracy? We are starting to live it.”
“Whatever, I don’t need them,” yelled resident Dwight Stillbee. “I plan to drink a ton of PBR beer, light fireworks off in compromising positions, and maybe even consider a swim in the Hurricane rip currents. They can’t tell me what to do in America. It’s part of my Freedom under the 29th Amendment dammit!”
YouTube may also be to blame for many of the injuries seen this decade. Before, if idiots did ridiculous stunts in their backyard, only a handful of people would have seen the events unfold. Now millions of people can watch the events, in effect glorifying them while promoting more frequent and extreme acts.
“Let’s take a stand this July 4th,” boosted ER nurse Samantha Jenkins. “Thin out the heard a bit this July 4th and let’s take our country forward in the right direction!”
