ATLANTA, GA – Ahead of Thanksgiving, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has issued a new blood gravy content (BCG) chart, reminding family and other loved ones that “friends don’t let friends drive drunk on gravy.” In a closed statement delivered moments ago, CDC spokesperson Amanda Bernstein announced that “elevated blood gravy levels are as bad, if not worse, than elevated blood alcohol levels.” She went on to explain that gravy makes blood so viscous that circulation essentially stops, with all vital organs shutting down shortly thereafter, leading to a sloth-like state often mistaken for brain death. In all 50 states, you should not operate a motor vehicle with a blood gravy concentration of 0.08% or higher. The CDC also wants to remind everyone not to mix turkey and gravy because that’s a food coma just waiting to happen.
