WASHINGTON, DC – As fourth-year medical students consumed with residency interviews and Match Day are now officially useless, Trump offers them a golden opportunity to witness history as seat-fillers for his upcoming Presidential Inauguration. And earn some extra much-needed cash.
Rumors from fake media sources, including CNN and NPR, claim the Trump inauguration is struggling to find enough participants to fill the West Lawn. Or a small community ER. So he has publicly reached out to Twitter to encourage attendance, and privately extended offers to discrete groups of individuals, exchanging payment for their presence. He chose medical students because of their excellent ability to sleep with their eyes open and appear to be attentively listening, their desperation for cash, and their ability to abandon a clinical rotation at a moment’s notice for “an interview.”
Medical student, and Krebs cycle extraordinaire, Karen Weaselsnout-Jones jumped at the opportunity to attend Donald Trump’s inauguration. “I can’t wait to tell him all about the Krebs cycle!” She was one of the only 2nd year medical students invited, a ploy by her Democratic program director to bore Trump to death.
Trump has promised to pay the students after their obligation is completed to his satisfaction. With the average medical student accruing 650 thousand dollars in student loans, and the average starting salary of an attending academic physician 65 thousand per year, Trump’s payments should go a long way. If, and when, the students finally receive them.