PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – In a startling turn of events, groundhog Punxsutawney Phil is refusing to emerge from his burrow this year, claiming he doesn’t even want to “see the f**king daylight.” Traditionally if he emerges and it’s cloudy, spring will come early. On the other hand, if he sees his shadow, winter will continue for another six weeks. Groundhog Day should not be confused with Radiologist Day where, if a radiologist emerges from the basement and doesn’t die, there will be six more weeks of clinical correlation.
Animal behavioral psychologists and emergency groundhog crews are working tirelessly, coaxing Punxsutawney Phil out of his tunnel, but he will not budge. Experts conclude this means four more years of continuous winter with associated year-round seasonal affective disorder (ICD-10: F39). Only cure is moving to Canada, or global warming.