SANTA MONICA, CA – After contracting pertussis, darling 6-month-old baby girl Willow Woods successfully sued her parents for medical neglect, failure to provide infant with proper care, vaccine skepticism based on conspiracy theories, and just overall stupidity.
Pertussis, or whooping cough, is a highly-contagious respiratory infection, and affected infants may have life-threatening symptoms including apneic spells. Fortunately preventable by routine vaccinations and common sense, booster doses of the vaccine are also recommended for adults.
Willow tells Gomerblog’s baby whisperer Dr Amy G. Dala, “Aahh, da ooooah gagagah baba,” which roughly means, “My dumba** parents decided not to vaccinate me, so I contracted pertussis and spent two weeks in the hospital on a ventilator. And nearly died. Thank goodness for the amazing nurses and doctors that saved my life.” She reports that she decided to press changes after chatting with other affected babies at Whole Foods.
Her lawyer, vaccine advocate 3-year-old Nora Nichols, explains. “Too many babies with bad stuff because parents are doody heads. Babies need shots. Owies are better than apnea.” Nichols, recently faced with the tragic loss of her pacifiers to her new baby brother, agreed to accept Willow’s case in exchange for her pacifier.
Willow’s case was settled out of court. She was awarded 18 million dollars in damages, part of which she will donate to statewide vaccination efforts, and a lifetime supply of nonorganic, artificially-flavored, GMO-filled lollipops. Additionally, her parents were forced to sit through one month straight of The Dr. Oz Show.