In a joint announcement from the National Institute of Health along with the United States Proctologic Initiative, the clinical finding known as “currant jelly stool” will be formally changed “strawberry jam stool”. Dr. Robert Klein, recently appointed by the president to head up the joint clinical task force had this to say:
“Currant jelly is a distinctly British dish, and we live in America. We gained our independence from Britain over 200 years ago, and somehow in the area of intussusception we are still dependent on them for this ridiculous terminology. What is currant jelly anyway? Frankly, here in America, we don’t want to know.”
The USPI is working with a number of textbook companies (with a generous grant from the Smucker’s Company) to replace the current term with more American term “strawberry jam stool”. Per Dr. Klein:
“Strawberry jam is more wholesome term and frees us from foreign influence on American medical education. We spend nearly three times as much on healthcare per person than the UK does, so it’s only natural that we should get to make up the terms.”
But what of other foreign terminology?
“The USPI has only so much pull. We’re working with our president to establish other initiatives to rid ourselves of this foreign influence. If I had my way, café-au-lait spots and débridement would next on the chopping block. Ugh, the French! I’ve had enough of those cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”