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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The information technology (IT) departments of hospitals nationwide made a New Year’s resolution to hinder the efforts of practicing health care professionals like never before.  Mission accomplished: Yesterday IT departments completed an “upgrade” of computer networks to 28.8K dial-up modems.

modems
“Cannot Establish a Dialup Network Connection”

“We wanted to pay homage to AOL by bringing back dial-up and those fun series of sounds that you hear over about 2-20 minutes while the computer connects to the internet,” explained IT “expert” Devin Atari.  “Doctors and nurses are so smart that we really wanted to give them a challenge in 2018.  They spend so much time on the phone with IT, so clearly they have the time to chat with us since they’re not busy.”

When you hear a doctor, nurse, nurse practitioner, or physician assistant scream out “F**K!!!!” while in front of a computer and punching the keyboard or mouse, they are succinctly describing a computer’s inability to keep up with their need to put in orders or chart.  More often than not a hospital computer, its operating system, and internet browser has been obsolete for at least 30 years.  As if that wasn’t enough, 90% of computer mouses are dysfunctional while 85% of keyboards have a sticky spacebar of unknown origin (SSUO).

According to early reports from the American Society of Information Technology (ASIT), the upgrade to 28.8K modems has been a huge success as measured by a very reliable surrogate: damaged computer screens as a result of frustrated health care professionals punching them.

“I tried to pull up a chest X-ray to review, but my computer froze,” hospitalist Jeremy Acworth told Gomerblog.  “I called IT and after a 45-minute wait they told me that my computer wasn’t frozen, that I just needed to be patient since the image needs some time to load.  I asked how long.  They said to go home, rest up, and check back in the morning.  I introduced the computer screen to my fist after I hung up.”

Sensing the growing anger, SWAT teams have once again been deployed to protect IT departments across the country.

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