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potato eyes
The leftmost potato underwent examine, with his two other spud sidekicks present for moral support

BOISE, ID – America’s favorite vegetable, the potato, went for its yearly exam today.  “Its five eyes continue to be in good health with perfect 20/20 vision,” said spud ophthalmologist Dr. George Lemer with his potato patient’s permission.  “He denied any loss of vision centrally or peripherally, blurry vision, redness, pain, itchiness, discharge, grittiness, tearing, dryness, light sensitivity, halos, or styes.  Visual field testing, visual acuity, tonometry, pretty much everything was normal.  He does have mild hyperglycemia per his primary care physician, but I saw no evidence of diabetic retinopathy on my exam today.”  Dr. Lemer recommends the potato have routine follow-up in one year if he hasn’t been tragically baked, mashed, steamed, fried, or quartered up and planted into the ground by then.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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