Friday, March 29, 2024

Emergency Medicine

Emergency Departments Implement New Triage Form to Screen Patients for Actual Disease

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NEW YORK, NY - Myocardial infarction, subarachnoid hemorrhage, sepsis, diabetic ketoacidosis: these are examples of what the medical community regards as "real diseases."  Unfortunately, our nation's emergency department doctors and nurses are plagued with...
joint commission

Joint Commission is Coming: Hospital to Change Everything for Three Days Then Revert to...

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EVERY HOSPITAL, USA - Hospital administrators have finally cracked the secret to passing the highly-dreaded Joint Commission inspections.  For decades, the Joint Commission (JC) or previously called JACHO, but don't EVER call them that now...
toliet flushing medications

NIH Plans to Study Why Narcotics, Benzos Fall Into Sinks, Toilets Excessively

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BETHESDA, MD - Last week, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) stated that it has $2 million in grant money set aside for a study examining the relationship between prescription narcotics and benzodiazepines and indoor...

Genuine ‘Slipped and Fell’ Rectal Foreign Body Victim Stuns Experts

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RICHMOND, VA - In what is thought to be a world's first, witnesses have confirmed that a young Virginian man genuinely slipped and fell in his garden this week, entrapping an eggplant in his...

Joint Commission Mandates Extensive Timeout Prior to Initiating CPR

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SAN ANTONIO, TX -  Citing the shocking incidence of "never event" wrong-sided CPR (commonly known as WroSC), the Joint Commission issued new guidelines today mandating a 42-step timeout prior to the initiation of CPR...
hospital ceo salary

CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys

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ATLANTA, GA - Yesterday, the CDC finally established a link explaining a frightening and puzzling Ebola case.  A patient with no known Ebola exposures in Raleigh, NC fell ill with the virus last week and...

Pain Detector Gives Actual Pain Score

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JERSEY CITY, NJ - A great new invention coined PAIN, short for Pain Acquiring Instrument Neat-O, is starting to be utilized in ERs across the east coast after a recent FDA approval.  Typically when a...

Hospitals Now Joining Black Friday Frenzy

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NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday is hitting America very soon.  Stores are now opening their doors almost immediately after millions of Americans finish off eating their pies on Thanksgiving Day where only the chosen are able...
dyspnea

FDA Approves FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX for Undifferentiated Dyspnea

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - To the delight of emergency physicians across the country, the Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of a new drug which combines 5 commonly-used medications to treat acute dyspnea. FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX™ combines...

Super Mario in Critical Condition, Mistakes Deadly Amanita for 1-Up Mushroom

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WORLD 7-2, MUSHROOM KINGDOM - Beloved Italian hero and plumber Super Mario is currently in critical condition at an area World 7-2 hospital after he mistakenly consumed a deadly Amanita mushroom during a routine quest...