Hospital Stops Serving Food
MORGANTOWN, NC - North Carolina Christian Medical Center (NCCMC) in northwestern NC proudly announces landmark cost-cutting steps projected to save millions of dollars and generate millions more. This week, NCCMC CEO Laurel Lamprey announced major...
Dr. Oz’s Colonoscopy Reveals That He’s FOS
CLEVELAND, OH - After years of nauseating lies and verbal diarrhea, America’s leading medical quack Dr. Oz finally underwent a much needed colonoscopy today that revealed he is completely, unequivocally, and totally full of...
Maroon 5 Admitted to Hospital with 5 Maroon Stools
LOS ANGELES, CA - Maroon 5 is hospitalized at UCLA Medical Center after collectively experiencing 5 maroon-colored stools, including lead singer and NBC’s The Voice coach Adam Levine. Thankfully, all band members are in...
Recto-Retriever Approved for Personal Use
COLUMBIA, SC - Proctologic Inc. announces the release of its new product, the Recto-Retriever. The Recto-Retriever is an amazing, thrilling, and versatile tool that boasts multiple uses in retrieving various objects from assorted body...
TSA to Start Screening for Colorectal Cancer at Airports
ATLANTA, GA – U.S. government officials said on Thursday that they would start screening patients for unintentional weight loss and bloody stools, starting with Hartsfield-Jackson International (ATL) airport this coming weekend, in an effort...
Santa Claus Aspirates Milk, Cookies after Ignoring NPO Guidelines
NORTH POLE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SIBERIA & ALASKA - Christmas has been canceled as Santa Claus fights for his life in the ICU. Thankfully he passed out presents first. Details are sketchy as hospital policy...
Update: Cookie Monster Leaves Sesame Street Hospital AMA on Christmas Eve
SESAME STREET – As children around the world continued to hold candlelight vigils for Cookie Monster’s health, the shocking rumors that the muppet had left Sesame Street University Hospital (SSUH) against medical advice (AMA) are...
Santa Sporting Trim New Figure After Successful Gastric Bypass
NORTH POLE, CANADA - Reports are coming in from all over the North Pole that Santa Claus is sporting a svelte new physique this Christmas season, and the word is out that he secretly underwent...
Medical Student Almost Makes Rare Diagnosis
ST. LOUIS, MO - National media outlets are abuzz today with the news that Nishant Kumar, a third-year medical student at St. Louis University’s medical school, nearly diagnosed a recent patient with a rare...
45-Year-Old EM Physician Reflects Back Upon 4.0 GPA in College While Manually Disimpacting Patient
PENDELTON, IN - Departmental Emergency Medicine Chief Dr. Glenn Henderson was seen staring off into space daydreaming on Monday morning, while digitally disimpacting a 90-year-old nursing home patient, Onis McBurgrontree of Pendleton, IN. With his right index...
