Ophthalmologists Found to be “Physically Weakest” of All Specialists
New research has shed light on which group of physicians are the most physically frail and feeble. Emerging data shows that the top spot was taken by ophthalmology, with the remainder of the top...
Breaking: VA Pick Ronny Jackson Withdraws from Both Nomination, Opioids
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing the "baseless and anonymous attacks on my character" as well as intractable abdominal cramps, lacrimation, and rhinorrhea, White House physician Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson has announced he is withdrawing from both...
Ortho Consults Medicine to See if It’s Spelled Orthopedics or Orthopaedics
BOSTON, MA - Unable to settle a decades-long debate amongst themselves, orthopods at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) have swallowed their pride and consulted their internal medicine colleagues to help them spell their speciality: is...
Urologist Performs World’s First Successful Transurethral Resection of the Colon
CLEVELAND, OH - Renowned Cleveland Clinic urologist Dr. Jebron Lames has made history today by performing the world's first successful transurethral resection of the colon (TURC). The best part? It was totally an accident.
"I'm...
Breaking: 1 in 500 Can’t Smell What The Rock is Cooking
HAYWARD, CA - The Rock says it all the time: "Can YA SMELL-LALALALALALALLALALA-OWWWWWW what The Rock…. is cooking?!" But can everyone smell what The Rock is cooking? It turns out roughly 1 in 500...
Ortho Defeats Da Vinci in Good Ole Fashioned Arm-Wrestling Match
DURHAM, NC - An anticipated nail-biter that didn't end up going the distance, orthopedic surgeon Barrett Stonewall easily defeated the Da Vinci Surgical Robot in a good ole fashioned arm-wrestling match that took place...
Surgeon in Corner Running the Da Vinci is Actually Just Playing Video Games
COLUMBUS, OH - A revelation concerning the function of the da Vinci robot console recently came to light when a circulating nurse discovered its true purpose. The da Vinci robot itself, with its ability...
Anesthesiologist Proposes Use of Metric Time
HOUSTON, TX - Dr. Alan Payne, an anesthesiologist and physicist, proposes the use of metric time for determining surgical time duration.
“How many times at your facility have you ask your surgeon for a time...
Orthopod Cuts Patient Load by Telling Them the Truth
PEMBROKE PINES, FL - In an amazing feat of political incorrectness, an orthopaedic surgeon cut his clinic volume of non-operative patients by half by simply telling the truth.
Dr. Joe “Nunchucks” Carpenter, an orthopaedic surgeon practicing...