MONROE, LA – Local resident Shaun Mason, 23, arrived by personal vehicle to the emergency department this afternoon with chief complaint of gun shot wound to the left forearm. Per the patient, “I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when this guy jumped out from an alley and took some shots at me.”
He went on to state the assailant was “a punk,” that he “would have taken him if he weren’t [sic] hiding behind that gun,” and that the events in question took place about an hour ago.
When asked why there was such a delay in arrival to the hospital, Mr. Mason responded, “You see, I’ve been here a few times already. Last summer I got stabbed on a club dance floor. And the year before that I got shot sitting by myself on the front porch.” He went on to say, “I had some things to take care of before I spend all my time in this hellhole.” When asked his occupation Mr. Mason’s responded he was a “self-employed business man.”
“When I get hit I don’t even come in unless something’s broke. See, I know how you guys work,” Mr. Mason then waved around the room. “You’re not letting any of these folks eat. For hours. That’s why once I got hit, I didn’t come straight here: I went through the nearest drive-thru. I’m not going to sit around here bleeding and hungry all day.”
When further questioned, Mr. Mason stated that instead of seeking immediate medical attention, he sat through the lunch hour rush at a local fast food restaurant, with his recent and profusely bleeding gunshot wound to his dominate arm, because, “It wasn’t a thing.” He then ordered three tacos, a water, and “extra napkins, like a bandage.”
Due to his recent meal, an unhappy Mr. Mason was made NPO until his surgery the next morning. Before leaving AMA following the operation, he filled out the hospital satisfaction survey as a 2 out of 10. This low score is being investigated by hospital administration.
In an unrelated story, a local hospital resident has begun a Kickstarter campaign for a combination ambulance/food truck service.