Man Minding His Own Business Gets Shot, Again

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MONROE, LA – Local resident Shaun Mason, 23, arrived by personal vehicle to the emergency department this afternoon with chief complaint of gun shot wound to the left forearm.  Per the patient, “I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when this guy jumped out from an alley and took some shots at me.”

He went on to state the assailant was “a punk,” that he “would have taken him if he weren’t [sic] hiding behind that gun,” and that the events in question took place about an hour ago.

When asked why there was such a delay in arrival to the hospital, Mr. Mason responded, “You see, I’ve been here a few times already.  Last summer I got stabbed on a club dance floor.  And the year before that I got shot sitting by myself on the front porch.”  He went on to say, “I had some things to take care of before I spend all my time in this hellhole.”  When asked his occupation Mr. Mason’s responded he was a “self-employed business man.”

“When I get hit I don’t even come in unless something’s broke.  See, I know how you guys work,” Mr. Mason then waved around the room.  “You’re not letting any of these folks eat.  For hours.  That’s why once I got hit,  I didn’t come straight here: I went through the nearest drive-thru.  I’m not going to sit around here bleeding and hungry all day.”

When further questioned, Mr. Mason stated that instead of seeking immediate medical attention, he sat through the lunch hour rush at a local fast food restaurant, with his recent and profusely bleeding gunshot wound to his dominate arm, because, “It wasn’t a thing.”  He then ordered three tacos, a water, and “extra napkins, like a bandage.”

Due to his recent meal, an unhappy Mr. Mason was made NPO until his surgery the next morning.  Before leaving AMA following the operation, he filled out the hospital satisfaction survey as a 2 out of 10.  This low score is being investigated by hospital administration.

In an unrelated story, a local hospital resident has begun a Kickstarter campaign for a combination ambulance/food truck service.

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    Yep.Surest way to get assaulted is to mind your own business.

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    Teresa Brown

    Probably specified that he have a turkey sandwich.

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    Chicken for the ambulance ride! I hope he would share

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    America’s most wanted “these 2 guys”
    Hold the mayo on my sandwich… It makes my chest pain worse. Oh maybe some potato chips will help

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    Carole Bryant

    We had a frequent flyer in grand island nebr, who would come in with “chest pain”, that only responded to “darvocet and a sandwich”. In that order.

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    Page Boen McBay

    That is great!! Usually, not only are they sitting on their front porch when they get “hit”, but they’re doing their Bible study, too, or “about to head to church.” Knew a frequent flyer to ER who’d always go to Popeye’s and get food before calling 911 to pick him up.

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    Vashta Nerada

    At least it wasn’t those “two guys with the baseball bat.” Those two sure do beat up a lot of drunk guys around here.

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    Krista Knowles


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