MURRYSVILLE, PA – Local respiratory therapist L. Salino has patented the BiPAP+, a device that combines all the life-saving technology behind a standard BiPAP machine with addictiveness of unfiltered tobacco products.
Ms. Salino says the inspiration came from a frequent COPD patient. “While I was strapping the BiPAP to her head, she asked if she could step outside for a smoke.” After being told no, the patient attempted to sign out AMA, but was taken by profound respiratory distress before filling out the paperwork. “As I watched her slowly come back around, ineffectively cursing us through the life-saving mask strapped to her face, it just came to me: Why not let them smoke while on the machine?”
“At first securing funds was difficult. Then I contacted the tobacco companies.” Approximately one week later Ms. Salino found herself with several hundred-thousand dollars in funding.
She was able to design a new BiPAP device prototype that placed a cigarette in the pure-oxygen tubing itself. It was not fit for human trials, but the grounds crew found it useful for burning out wasp nests at a safe distance. The current model simply sticks the end of a long cigarette holder through the mask and into the patient’s mouth, forcing smoke into the depths of their disease-addled lungs with every breath. Even long-time smokers describe the buzz as “hellacious.”
Despite protests from literally every other hospital employee, administration is pressing forward with the device. “We’re suddenly getting patients from all over the tri-county area,” Ms. Salino beamed. “Turns out force-feeding people some of the most addictive substances on earth makes for a very loyal following. And the tobacco companies are offering to buy brand-new BiPAP+ units for the Peds ward!”
In an unrelated story, hospital administrators have announced a termination of their joint Pipe Smoker’s Association-Hyperbaric Chamber venture due to fear of an “Apollo 1-type scenario.” Both the Deep Fried Lipitor and PEZ-Metformin projects remain on schedule.