SAN DIEGO, CA – In a surprise move, CDC officials announced their decision to fund a portion of the anti-vaccination movement. CDC spokesman L. Freamon explained: “Once we announced trials of the Canadian Ebola vaccine, we knew the anti-vaccination movement would condemn the research. Sure enough, we received a cease-and-desist request within twelve hours.” This time the CDC’s process of finding funds to debunk more baseless rumors met with a breakthrough. “While we were deciding between taking funding from newborn screenings or inner-city free clinics for a PR campaign, one of our interns said ‘Why don’t we just send them all to West Africa?’ The idea gained a surprising amount of support.”
“At first we thought it was a joke,” anti-vaccination spokesman E. Burrell stated. “We rarely receive recognition for our work. However, the medical establishment is finally coming around.” At the heart of this unprecedented move is the anti-vaxxer’s controversial Ebola treatment protocol of “[intimate] contact, [sic] hugs…and kisses.” “The CDC is very supportive of our ideas,” E. Burrell continued. “They’ve decided to fund a medical trip for any anti-Vaxxers who want to take our Hugs Not Drugs campaign overseas. They’re telling us to touch as many contagious people as humanly possible.”
“It is a radical shift from previous policies,” L. Freamon admitted. “For a fraction of the amount we spend repeatedly debunking anti-vaxxers, we can send every last one of them overseas. They honestly want to come into physical contact with active Ebola patients. And they aren’t even requesting the same amount of personal protective equipment offered to a Dallas RN. The real breakthrough, through, came when we realized we could literally cut the travel budget in half by only buying one-way plane tickets. I mean… they’re not coming back.”
When asked if the CDC endorsed the Hugs Not Drugs approach for non anti-vaxxers spokesman L. Freamon respond, “Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus, no. We still recommend burning it. Burn it all. Please quote me on that.”
“We’re certain this venture will put the anti-vaccination debate to rest once and for all,” an excited E. Burrell told GomerBlog reporters. “How soon can we leave?”
“We’re certain this venture will put the anti-vaccination debate to rest once and for all,” echoed a somber L. Freamon. “Also, how soon can you leave?”
In an unrelated story, anti-vaxxers across the the country are gathering for their annual Measles Outbreak Convention. This year is expected to feature a parade, multiple kissing booths, and at least one outbreak of an easily-preventable childhood disease.