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SEATTLE, WA – Local woman Barbara Hootro was finally diagnosed by acclaimed Naturopath “Dr. Bob,” accomplishing what 6 different doctors before him could not achieve.

naturopathy“I was tired after being told over and over that I had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), so I decided to figure out what was going on myself.  All those greedy doctors just want to perform dangerous invasive procedures and prescribe toxic medicines that my body will react to.”  As of 2015, Ms. Hootro is allergic to thiamine, coenzyme q10, and normal saline (it caused her veins to swell and her blood pressure to go up).

Deciding to take matters into her own hands, Hootro confided her symptoms of “fatigue, intractable nausea, inability to digest proteins, uncontrolled weight gain, and pain in belly button that shoots to ribcage” to a friend whose “sluggish liver” had been miraculously cured by milk thistle.  Her friend told her about the naturopath who saved her from impending disaster.

“Dr. Bob (Robert Robertson, ND) at the Barkwood Naturopathic Clinic was able to take the time to really delve into my symptoms and figure out what was going on.  He sees 3 patients a day and spends 2 hours per consult.  He only takes cash ($350 per visit), so you know he’s not under the influence of the medical insurance industrial complex.”

A 2100 Metametrix stool panel (cost $750) quickly revealed that in addition to systemic Candidiasis, Hootro was also unknowingly suffering from an overgrowth of B. hominis on the back of her tongue, adrenal fatigue, and of course leaky gut syndrome.

“Dr. Bob” has placed Hootro on a patent pending regimen of:

  • Intravenous vitamin K and C infusions 3 times a week
  • Colostrum, obtained daily by hand from a goat named Griff who lives in a field behind the clinic
  • A strict Paleo diet for breakfast, Specific Carbohydrate diet for lunch, and the Atkins diet for dinner and dessert (all gluten free)

Despite developing a necrotizing skin reaction at her vitamin K/C infusion site which has spread to claim her left pinky, Hootro remains defiantly optimistic: “I can’t believe those MD quacks I was seeing before missed my B. hominis infestation.  I could have gotten septic any minute!  It’s their fault that my leaky gut has progressed this far.  A few more nips from Griff’s teat should help me turn the corner though.  She is unvaccinated, free range, and eats only organic Whole Foods leftovers that Dr. Bob personally scrounges for.  I should probably email Dr. Bob and tell him I’ve been scared to death to drink any water this week and I’ve been foaming at the mouth more than usual.  Probably my fatigued adrenals acting up.”

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Dr. V. Vek Moorthee
I know what you’re thinking - that guy looks a lot like Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Aside from the fact that we both wear fancy hats, let me assure you: there’s no relation. I’m just another doctor who dreams of a day when I don’t have to deal with crazy patients anymore. Like Dr. Vivek Murthy. And I wish I could just go around and tell people what to do and how to eat healthy without any pushback or consequences. Like Dr. Vivek Murthy. And wouldn’t it be fun to dress up like an admiral in the Navy? But seriously, the nation’s physician in chief doesn’t have time to write funny articles for a medical satire website! Or does he? Hi, I’m Dr. V. Vek Moorthee.
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