Final Frontier in Reproductive Medicine: Freezing Babies

In a reproductive medicine breakthrough, researchers at the Institute of Cryopreservation and Encapsulation (ICE) perfected baby freezing via a procedure called “Ice Ice Baby.”

Safe, painless, and effective cryopreservation tanks

The painless procedure, available during a baby’s first 24 hours of life, uses state-of-art cryopreservation, dehydration, and packaging technology to transform an adorable newborn baby into an adorable frozen sphere. The sphere can then be stored up to 18 years, thawed out when parents are ready to raise their beautiful bundle of joy.

Developer of this technology, Dr. Robert Van Winkle explains, “Professional women want technology that allows them to get pregnant and deliver a baby while they are still youthful and vibrant. But they don’t want to be bogged down by caring for that baby for the next two decades. This process enables families to delay child-rearing until a more convenient time.”

Unlike frozen embryo and egg technologies currently available, baby freezing allows couples to plan pregnancies, meet and name their baby, snap a few pictures, then get back to enjoying their child-free lives.

Dr. Jennifer Havitall plans to use Ice Ice Baby during her general surgery residency. “The hardest part isn’t finding time for women in medicine to have babies,” she laments. “The hardest part is finding time to actually raise the children.” She tells the GomerBlog team that she plans to freeze two babies during residency, then thaw them out several years later when she’s financially secure and established as an attending. Or when hell freezes over, whichever comes first.

Despite extensive innovation and testing, the cryopreservation technique is only effective with newborn babies. Although their parents keep volunteering them for study participation, teenagers seem particularly immuned to the process, perhaps due to their toxic radiating energy.

Ice Ice Baby will be marketed primarily to career women including physicians, lawyers, and CEOs. It should be available September 2016, about nine months after New Year’s Eve celebrations. At a cost of $20,000 per year it is still less than half the average cost per year of raising a child. And a lot less messy.