HEAVEN – Despite the historically high level of patients and families turning to the power of prayer to heal, God’s miracles are at an all-time low.
In the past, God relied heavily on Faith Healers and Miracle Workers both of whom had extensive experience in healing. Recently, however, with an entire world of information available at God’s fingertips, God has been using Google.
“When I receive a prayer, I just type the patient’s symptoms in The Google,” God explains, “and then use the wealth of information I find in order to heal the patient.” God reports a plethora of amazing links claiming “miracles” and “cures” that are “safe,” “natural,” and “nontoxic.”
God’s recommendations typically include homeopathic medications, healing crystals, coconut oil, coenzyme Q10, omega-3s, and mindfulness meditation. God also suggests eliminating The Devil’s gluten and high fructose corn syrup.
Unfortunately, recent data suggests these prayer-directed therapies are not terribly effective. Dr. Grimm, oncologist and palliative care specialist, supports the use of prayer to improve symptoms such as anxiety, pain, and grief. He remains skeptical, though, of prayer’s ability to cure terminally ill patients. “God used to come through, but lately has been falling a bit short. I blame it on the heap of junk God’s been reading on the internet.”
God reports being bogged down by all the non-urgent issues people have been praying about, including sports-related victories and winning lottery tickets.
God recently met with health care providers to learn more about medical-related prayers and modern miracles. After the seminar was completed God had a deeper understanding of prayer in medicine. And the dangers of Google.
God explains: “Everyone knows that a medical miracle is really just a doctor’s initial misdiagnosis. I just sweep in to take credit, and make those pompous doctors look bad.”