CHICAGO, IL – Given recent circumstances that our lawyers say we are not at liberty to discuss, Bill Cosby is looking for a new career. And it appears as though he found it. Starting July 2016, Cosby will begin a residency in Anesthesia, thus officially making July the worst time of the year to be hospitalized.
Cosby believes his extensive prior experience in conscious sedation makes him an excellent candidate. As does his deep understanding of pudding pops.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he explains. “In order to succeed, my desire for success needs to be greater than my fear of failure. Then you dip the spoon in the puddin’.”
Cosby already mastered administration of many anesthetics, including Quaaludes, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, nitrous oxide, and the snooze-inducing Kids Say the Darndest Things. His secret to a successful procedure is induction with a steady infusion of ethanol, a technique called “The Huxtable Method.”
Residency program director, Dr. Leroy Amar, is excited to have Cosby join their team. “He understands the main principle of anesthesia: sedate them enough so they cannot feel or remember anything, but not so much that they die.”
As one of the most authentic upstanding figures in recent American history, Cosby also conquered the most difficult feat for young, new doctors: the quiet confidence to convince patients and families to trust you with their precious lives.
The skill that will, most glaringly, be the focus of Cosby’s three-year Anesthesia residency training and mandated four-year medical ethics fellowship, will be the process of obtaining informed consent.