Birth Rates Plummet as Women Eliminate Alcohol
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Given the potential of fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced new recommendations of complete avoidance of alcohol in women of reproductive age not taking birth control. FAS, a permanent neurodevelopmental condition, can lead to physical, behavioral, and intellectual disability. According to the CDC, over 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, prompting the new recommendations.
However, there are emerging concerns that such measures will lead to a plummet in birthrates. As uncovered by the GomerBlog team, over 92% of all pregnancies involve alcohol consumption. Furthermore, 95% of pregnancies in couples already parents of a toddler resulted from excessive alcohol intake. Lastly, 100% of pregnancies that occurred while birth control failed also involved alcohol.
“Seriously?” Cosmo Politan tells GomerBlog. “I wish these recommendations came out a few months earlier! As an exhausted new mother, my husband and I went out for one evening away from the baby. Two glasses of wine later, home by 9 PM, and here I am, knocked up again!”
The CDC recommends screening all women of childbearing age with the following questions:
● Have someone else’s noisy children prompted you to drink too much on a flight?
● Do you need a drink to unwind after a long day at work? And your work day only lasted an hour? And was actually a PTA meeting? That finished at 11 AM?
● Does your significant other look significantly hotter after a few drinks?
● Have you ever accepted a drink from Bill Cosby?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you are at high risk for alcohol-related pregnancy complications, including fetal alcohol syndrome. Like a subject in a phase 1 clinical trial, you should abstain from alcohol unless using two reliable forms of birth control.
Between women of childbearing age avoiding tropical destinations due to the Zika virus, and these new recommendations to avoid alcohol, millions of less drunken vacation babies are going to be born each year. The GomerBlog team projects the population decline will be slightly offset by the recent snow storms which blanketed the northeast with nothing else to do.