• 94.1K
    Shares

MINEOLA, NY – Some ideas are so revolutionary, they can only be conceived in a stroke of genius.  Such is the case with Northrop University Hospital as the hospital opened ‘Dischargigans’, a lively and happening bar right in the sprawling hospital lobby.

drinking alcohol
“I’m so trashed!! Time for a family meeting!”

Tipsy Buzzington, hospital CFO, spoke to GomerBlog about the idea.  “We had something called ‘preventative medicine’ taking up prime real estate on the first floor.  I mean, what’s the point of preventing anything if you’re already in the hospital? The board was stressing me about this space, so I went to a bar, which was the answer. Bar never fails.”

“The establishment welcomes employees, patients, families, and everyone who feels like a drink when they step out of the hospital, which is EVERYBODY.  And since the hospital is open 24/7, so is the bar.  Feeling a drink at 8 a.m.?  This is the only game in town!  Look, Medicaid pays $18 dollars for a heart cath.  We can’t keep the lights on with that, but check out our Code Mellow or Bacardiac Spasm, delicious party bowls of spirits and tropical juices!  We charge $34 for each.  See that table of three ICU nurses? They’re on their fifth!  Cha-ching!”

While the initial idea was purely financial, additional bar benefits became apparent immediately.  Employee morale has skyrocketed and sick days are taken less frequently. Patient mortality has dipped and patient satisfaction has never been higher. Readmission rates for alcohol detox have plummeted.  Things haven’t looked so peachy since the Ativan Diffuser. In an effort to build on the idea, the hospital has reached out to host MTV’s Spring Break.

Ironically, Dischargigans’ most loyal customers are preventative medicine faculty and staff; they find it the only way to cope with their recent forced move into the basement of the garage.

  • 94.1K
    Shares
Livin La Vida Locum MD
Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.
WordPress › Error

There has been a critical error on this website.

Learn more about troubleshooting WordPress.