NEW HAVEN, CT – Over 40 college students at the prestigious Harvard University have been recently infected with mumps, prompting rival Yale to announce a bigger measles outbreak. Yale administrators flew unvaccinated children from California to the campus, just to get things started, then encouraged students to cough, sneeze, and lick all over one another.
Mumps infections typically cause mild flu-like symptoms, but can also lead to large, painful swollen parotid glands. In men, testicular swelling (orchitis) can lead to infertility, which Yale student Dana Darwin thinks would be hilarious.
Measles, in contrast, also starts with flu-like symptoms, but progresses to include typical oral Koplik’s spots and diffuse rash. Rare complications include pneumonia and encephalitis. “Our disease is much smarter, stronger, and serious than Harvard’s wimpy mumps,” Yale’s Henry McCarthy tells GomerBlog. “But my aunt, Jenny, told me neither are anything to worry about, and she should know, she’s ‘done her research’ on the internet.”
Yale professor Anthony Wakefield, identical twin brother of the infamous Andrew Wakefield, thinks densely populated college campuses serve as wonderful vectors for disease study and spread. Although Dr. Wakefield admits, “With all the Aspergian students at Harvard and Yale, one would think they have all received their MMRs, and be protected from measles and mumps.”