SILVER SPRING, MD – Over the past several weeks, major retail chains including Costco and Trader Joe’s recalled several frozen vegetables due to concerns for the deadly Listeria monocytogenes bacteria. Children are privy to this news and, as a result, children everywhere are screaming “I told you so!” as they realize they’ve been lied to about the health benefits of vegetables.
“We knew they were awful for us,” Henry Hangry tells GomerBlog, dumping a plate full of broccoli into the trash can. “And it’s great to finally see vegetables recalled!”
Listeria typically affects vulnerable people including the elderly, pregnant women, and infants, but sadly not Jenny McCarthy. Though symptoms can include fever and other nonspecific complaints, serious sequelae include bacteremia and meningitis and in the case of the pregnant patient miscarriage, stillbirth, or life-threatening infection to the newborn.
“Have you ever seen Pop-Tarts or Doritos cause meningitis? Heck NO!” Henry interrogates his father, tossing string beans, tomatoes, and lettuce into the garbage disposal one by one. “And what about M&Ms? They are like the safest food around!” Henry is right: there has been no associated morbidity or mortality with M&Ms. He added later: “Fresh fruit kind of sucks too.”
Children across the United States are still rejoicing after the lead-contaminated water uncovered in Flint, Michigan forced parents to give their children only the safest of canned sodas. “Water, vegetables, vaccines? It’s like doctors and other grown ups are lying to us just to make us sick! Good thing we can count on Dr. Oz to tell us the truth! Now, where are my yummy gummy omega-3s?”
Listeria warning expanded to include 47 million pounds of beef and chicken. Penelope Picky rejoices, “Plain white noodles and Goldfish for dinner again, YAYYYY!”