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BONE ISLAND, FL –  A condition long known by a scary-sounding name has been renamed at the American Society for Surgeons of the Hand of the Lower Extremity (ASSHLE) annual meeting here in sunny Bone Island in Key West, Florida.

avascular necrosisThis is mostly due to an overwhelming amount of unnecessary tests and consultations that have been ordered for this chronic, but not-so-chronic-sounding, condition.

“This condition,” ASSHLE president Greg Stumpleforth told us, “which involves the slow death of bone at a joint, typically affecting the hip or shoulder and often found in patients with sickle-cell disease, long-term steroid use, and in scuba divers, is not in any sense of the word an ’emergency.’  It happens over the course of months to years.  However, with the word “necrosis” in there, physicians in all the other specialties get frightened and immediately consult orthopaedics, hoping we can make the necrosis go away.”

Long story short, they cannot.  Nobody reliably can. The patients typically go on to require total joint replacement, which is performed as an outpatient.

“We feel this new name more accurately reflects the nature of this disease.  It also cutely references SCUBA divers, who can sometimes get this condition.  Do you see what I did there?”

Interestingly, another specialty is also celebrating this change.  The Infectious Diseases Society of America or IDSA, whose members have long been shotgun-consulted for this condition as well by stumped primary teams, released a statement today: “ASSHLE made a great stride forward in science today by renaming AVN to SCUBA.  We see what you did there.  And thank you.”

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Dr. Ill N. Fill III
"The eldest son of Ill N. Fill Jr, M.D., a widely renowned carpenter (who also happened to have a medical degree), Dr. Fill III is a self-proclaimed "O.G.". He has never paid to be a "Top Doctor" however, he bears the title of "illinest doctor East of the Mississippi" and is "the popularest guy in the OR". He is very good at drilling holes in bones, and filling those holes with titanium screws. He loves to drill, and to fill. He has even drilled and filled before morning rounds, and once during a carpal tunnel release. He is best known for holding his drill sideways, a technique he has described and submitted (unsuccessfully) to multiple journals under the title "Gangsta". When he is neither drilling nor filling, Dr. Fill III likes to listen to hardcore 90's rap while writing articles for Gomerblog, which allows him to channel all the rage that other services create inside of him when they try to "cramp his style" and keep him from drilling and/or filling. His favorite pasttime is "power tools." That is also what he wrote down for "favorite food," "favorite color," and "sex." He may or may not be illiterate. But he sure can drill a hole.
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