Hillary Launches New Public Health Campaign: ‘I’m with Her-pes’

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to raise awareness for the rising rates of genital herpes across all age groups in the U.S., Hillary Clinton has launched a new public health campaign and task force with the tagline, “I’m with Her-pes.”  Senator Clinton announced the campaign in an impassioned speech in our nation’s capital this week.  An excerpt of that speech has been included below:

herpes, Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton’s new highly-infectious public health campaign logo

I feel very strongly about the genital herpes crisis occurring throughout our great country right now.  Something needs to be done, and it needs to be done NOW.  There are millions of young men, women, and a surprising number of women in their 60s who suffer from this lifelong affliction.  NO LONGER do they need to suffer in silence.  I encourage everybody out there with recurrent perineal sores to stand up and shout, ‘I’M WITH HERPES!  (Cheers and applause.)

It doesn’t matter if you got them from a random hook up in college or from a former president of the United States, everyone with stress-induced weeping lesions in their groin should be treated with respect and feel free to openly proclaim, ‘I TAKE VALTREX CHRONICALLY!’  (Cheers and applause.)  

For those of you still claiming you got herpes from a dirty toilet seat and not while on vacation in Cabo or after a wild night in the Lincoln bedroom, you can stop lying to your loved ones, and more importantly, stop lying to yourselves.  Through the ‘I’m With Her-pes’ campaign, my goal is to empower everybody with ulcerated wounds below the belt to come out on social media and SHOW… THEIR… HERPES!  (Cheers and applause.)

…INSTAGRAM!  (Cheers and applause.)

…SNAPCHAT!  (Cheers and applause.)

…FACEBOOK! (Cheers and applause.)

…TWITTER!  (Cheers and applause.)

Be loud, and be proud!  There will be some resistance to this public health campaign, but don’t listen to the naysayers and retired former commanders-in-chief.  This is your life!  Now get off your extremely sore behinds and live it!  May God bless Americans with herpes, and may God bless the United States of America!  (Standing ovation.)