Meet the New Hospital Swiss Army Commode
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – The makers of the Swiss Army Knife, Victorinox, appears to have hit a home run with patients and providers this week with the introduction of their new product, the Swiss Army Commode. This is Victorinox’s first venture into medical equipment territory.
“This commode is absolutely astonishing,” comments 74-year-old patient Alicia Wobbly, recovering from a community-acquired pneumonia. “This just blows that 3-in-1 commode out of the water. I mean, what can’t this thing do?”
“What’s better than pooping and playing some Assassin’s Creed on my built-in PS4?” asked 63-year-old patient Jason Unsteady, who is post-op day number 4 after a right knee replacement. “It cuts, it saws, it unscrews. It is truly badass.”
“It doesn’t matter what brought you into the hospital, this Swiss Army Commode is just the thing for you,” said Victorinox spokesperson Timothy Feebles. “We took the commode to the next level because our patients deserve it.”
The new Swiss Army Commode is encased in a sturdy metal and plastic casing. What physical and occupational therapists say makes this commode so special are the numerous tools and instruments available at your disposal: seat, toilet, walker, reamer, wood saw, tweezers, toothpick, key ring, large blade, small blade, Phillips screwdriver, can opener, wire stripper, nail file, umbrella, stethoscope, incentive spirometer, PlayStation 4, and USB cable.
Everyone seems to love the 26-in-1 commode.
“The USB cable is a godsend,” commented cardiac floor nurse Mickey Frails. “I can plug the cable into my computer and BAM!!! The commode uploads all of the patient’s I’s and O’s. Is that not amazing? It’s amazing!”
“I forgot my stethoscope when I went to go see a patient,” admitted orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley. “But I just had him sit on the Swiss Army Commode, popped out the stethoscope, listened to his bones, and that’s all she wrote!”
Victorinox is already working on the next upgrade to the Swiss Army Commode, which may include salt & pepper shakers, a mini-fridge, pen, windshield wipers, power steering, a flat-screen TV, ejection seat, Spotify, two turntables, and a microphone.
The Victorinox Swiss Army Commode is priced at $99.99. Colors include medical white, classic Victorinox red, and camouflage.