RE: shit, what was her name?
AAMC ID: 8675309
Dear Program Director [sucker!]:
It is my great pleasure to provide a letter of support for Audrey Apple (AAMC ID: 8675309) an applicant for Internal Medicine [she really wanted to match in dermatology, but doesn’t have the grades and scores]. She has waived her right to see this letter [so she won’t commit suicide].
I met Audrey [Hmmm, I have NO IDEA when I met her, and I can’t tell med students apart] during her fourth year of medical school when she rotated at GomerBlog Hospital. As her attending on a busy [medical student got in the way, no time to teach] inpatient service rotation, I worked with her closely on a daily basis [she followed me around like an annoying shadow].
Audrey’s curriculum vitae highlights her impressive research experience [lab nerd with no ability to interact with actual people] and extracurricular activities [I call “Bullshit!” No one likes fly fishing]. But does not do justice to her enthusiasm [annoyed the hell out of everyone with her nonstop, ridiculous questions] and wonderful bedside manner [I once caught her punching an old man in the crotch]. She was assigned to care for one the most challenging patients I have ever cared for [I’m a genius and the best doctor ever], and she handled it like a seasoned resident [she was as incompetent as my sorry residents]. The families clearly identified her as “their doctor” [they called her “nurse”], she took ownership of her patients [stabbing her classmates in the back, and taking all the best cases], and read about [Googled] their conditions extensively.
Audrey will be an outstanding internist [as long as she doesn’t touch a patient], and I endorse her without reservation [except as above]. She is at the top 10% of the medical students I have worked with [which isn’t saying much because a monkey could pass at her med school], and will be at the top of the field compared with other applicants in your program [because your program never fills]. Please feel free to contact me with any questions [if you take her in your program, no take backs!].
Amy G. Dala, MD
Attending physician [started in July and still on probation]
GomerBlog University [couldn’t get a job at a real hospital]