Breaking News: Injuries Soar as Parents Push Tiny Toddlers Through Black Friday Crowds

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Walmart, USA–Recently renamed “Black & Blue Friday” in response to an increasing number of deal-grabbing related injuries, pediatricians across the country are also feeling the impact. Kids’ injuries break records as parents push their agile children into the action.

A common strategy called “The Toddler Takeoff” involves launching pint-sized tots over crowds of adults waiting in line. The tikes, adorably landing in the front, then purchase 15 flat-screens. ER attending, Dr. Karen Kiddo, warns this method is associated with big ouchies, broken tibulas, and scary boo boos.

"Go get me that flat screen, Jack!"
“Go get me that flat screen, Jack!”

Another popular strategy involves placing a backpack tether on kids, sending them in squeezing through the crowds. Then, when the child has grabbed the coveted item, parents can yank on the leash, pulling them back to safety and scoring a new MacBook. Pediatricians warn this method may result in breaking of the leash, leaving kids stranded in mobs of deal-hungry adults. So experts suggest labeling children, to insure return to the correct family. Unless, of course, it’s time to trade those kids in for newer, fresher, cleaner models.

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