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HAPPY VALLEY, CA – Administrators at Happy Valley Emergency Department are working together with a major soda manufacturer to replicate a pain medication ordering system similar to the ones currently being used by soda vendors to allow customers to create their own favorite soda concoction, thereby allowing patients to create their own favorite pain medication cocktail.

vending machine“Currently with our soda vending machine, customers choose a base soda and then add additional flavors to it,” said Dwayne Rhones, a representative from the soda company.  “We believe this same system could be applied for pain medications!”

Patients and staff alike are excited about the prospective venture.  Members of the Happy Valley Emergency Department’s Frequent Flier Reward Club were asked to fill out a survey soliciting their opinion of the proposed system.

One such member, professional patient Jonny Seakur, said, “This is an awesome idea!  I get so tired of always having to explain to the doctors what the right combinations of medications are to treat my pain, but now I can easily enter them in with this touch screen thing.”

The touch screen asks the patient to choose a “base pain medication” then allows them to add additional enhancers, such as diphenhydramine or promethazine.  Rochelle, a staff nurse in the ED stated, “The ‘Double D’ or Dilaudid with Diphenhydramine is our most popular medication combination, but really the choices are nearly endless.”  Although there are numerous medication recipes available, patients can still choose to stick with the basics.  “Ativan, or ‘vitamin A’ as some of our regulars call it, is a classic and still a fan favorite,” according to Rochelle.

Julie Flowers, the manager of the Happy Valley Emergency Department, is quite optimistic about the concept.  “There are lots of exciting possibilities for this system, besides the traditional medication additives, we are also considering non-traditional, off label choices,” she explained.  “I have heard there are some veterinary sedation medications that are becoming increasingly popular.”

Initially the medications will only be available in IV form, because as Seakur reported on his survey, “That’s the way they work best.”

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The Robbfather
Known as a paradigmatic man who lives by a strict code of loyalty to coworkers and, above all, “family.” He is also a traditionalist who demands respect commensurate with his status; even his closest friends refer to him as “Robbfather.” It is whispered that once when a “Customer Service” executive came to him to discuss some patient complaints about pain control, he said to her, “You come to me, and you say: ‘give me explanations.' But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Robbfather.” Later reportedly, the only thing that returned to the hospital administration office was her white coat with a fish in it.
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