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WASHINGTON, DC – Late last night a very visibly tired Surgeon General of the United States Vivek Murthy finally finished rounding on every American in the United States, a patient list of about 320 million patients, and admitted to Gomerblog that he is absolutely dreading having to write all those notes.

notes rounding
Not pictured: Murthy’s cramped, bloody hands after writing the first 50 million progress notes

“Back when I was a hospitalist, I thought seeing 20 patients in a day was tough,” said Murthy, as he lounges back on his work chair, feet up on the desk.  He’s rubbing his eyes as a pot of coffee brews.  “But seeing 320 million patients in a day?  Man, that’s a lot of patient encounters.”  He lets out a prolonged, painful sigh.  “I haven’t eaten, I haven’t peed.  And I haven’t eaten written… a… single… note.”

As the leading spokesperson for the public health, the Surgeon General carries a lot of responsibilities.  One of those responsibilities is addressing the public’s health by talking to and examining every single one of the Americans that make up the public.  That’s a lot of bedside visits.  And a lot of notes.

“Just because I’m the Surgeon General doesn’t mean I get an easy pass on documentation,” Murthy moaned.  “I gotta document and chart just like everyone else.  I hate it.”

Surgeon General Murthy can sympathize with health care providers because he has to answer to someone more powerful than the President of the United States: the Hospital Administrator General of the United States Chaz Moneybags.

“For every nurse, doctor, physician assistant, whomever in healthcare, there needs to be one administrator, so that’s why I exist, to keep this Murthy guy in check,” Moneybags explained.  “I wish he’d stop whining.  What, 320 million notes?  I could do that in like 5 minutes.”

To make matters worse for Murthy, Hospital Administrator Moneybags has declined requests to give Murthy access to an electronic record, so that means one thing: 320 million handwritten notes.

“Looks like I gotta pull out the old ortho trick: write notes without words,” explained Murthy.  “I learned that from the Orthopod General.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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