CLEVELAND, OH – In response to public outcry after an anti-vaccination blog post, and not at all determined by The Cleveland Clinic’s own moral compass, Dr. Daniel Neides has been removed as Chief Operating Officer of the Cleveland Clinic Wellness Institute. In his place, Cleveland Clinic named the highly accomplished GomerGuy plague doctor.
GomerGuy is a medieval plague doctor from the 16th century, proficient in blood-letting, who also enjoys running a medical blog doing fake reporting. He already meets the two main mission statements of the Cleveland Clinic’s Wellness Institute:
- Promote antiquated medical techniques, including energy medicine and essential oils.
- Enthusiastically use the words “detoxification” and “adjuvant” in fake blog stories.
GomerBlog has been granted access to his plans to expand the Wellness Institute. His first order of business will be to incorporate a widespread 16th century treatment for syphilis: mercury administered via a urethral syringe. He also plans to repopularize a mixture of egg whites, rose oil, and turpentine for post-op wound care. Lastly, returning to pre-vaccine health practices, GomerGuy plans to expand the “Guided Imagery” division of the Wellness Institute to avoid the need for toxic surgical anesthetic agents.
As their website states, The Cleveland Clinic Wellness Institute promotes initiatives to prevent illness and foster health, and must include more time-honored plague doctor ideas. Of note, the Wellness Institute would like GomerGuy to remind readers to visit their very lucrative online store, called “Cha-Ching!”