News in Brief: Groundhog Won’t Even Come Out This Year

  • 750
    Shares
groundhog, Groundhog Day
“No way I’m coming out there!”

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – In a startling turn of events, groundhog Punxsutawney Phil is refusing to emerge from his burrow this year, claiming he doesn’t even want to “see the f**king daylight.” Traditionally if he emerges and it’s cloudy, spring will come early. On the other hand, if he sees his shadow, winter will continue for another six weeks. Groundhog Day should not be confused with Radiologist Day where, if a radiologist emerges from the basement and doesn’t die, there will be six more weeks of clinical correlation.

Animal behavioral psychologists and emergency groundhog crews are working tirelessly, coaxing Punxsutawney Phil out of his tunnel, but he will not budge. Experts conclude this means four more years of continuous winter with associated year-round seasonal affective disorder (ICD-10: F39). Only cure is moving to Canada, or global warming.

image_pdfimage_print
  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

bald eagle wig

Alopecia Fail: Embarrassed Bald Eagle Clearly Wearing a Wig

194SharesANCHORAGE, AK – Still not over the frustrating failure with Rogaine (minoxidil) in October ...

mars essential oils

Mars Probe Discovers River of Essential Oils

500SharesWASHINGTON:  Surprising revelations keep coming from the red planet, as NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter ...