Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton Suffers Huge Loss as She Goes Unmatched on Match Day

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CHAPPAQUA, NY – In what can only be described as the biggest disappointment of Hillary Clinton’s storied life, Gomerblog just learned Clinton has gone unmatched for this year’s NRMP Match Day.  A favorite in all 50 programs to which she applied, she did not match even a single one.  Clinton, looking for a mid-life career change, applied to residency programs across the country but was particularly hoping to match in D.C.

Program director Glas C. Ling, director at Pleasant University School of Science And Youth, told Gomerblog, “She was just too qualified for our program.  And she didn’t seem humble enough.  We like our interns to be inexperienced, unqualified, and moldable blank slates.”

Most humiliating was the ritual of walking across the med school’s stage to music of the student’s choice, and opening the Match envelopes in front of thousands of colleagues, family, and friends.  Clinton strutted out to “Fight Song,” sung live by Lena Dunham, with classmates shouting “Open that up!  Open that up!” as she opened her envelope.  Audience members immediately knew something was wrong when she fell to her knees and started to ugly cry.

Clinton refused to speak with Gomerblog but did release the following statement:

“I know how disappointed you feel because I feel it too, and so do tens of millions of Americans who invested their hopes and dreams in this effort.  Except the person that took my spot and matched; they are probably very excited.  This is painful and it will be for a long time, but I want you to remember this.  My residency was never about one person or even one program, it was about the country we love and about building an America that’s hopeful, inclusive and big-hearted.  And — and to all the little girls who are watching this, and by “little girls” I mean 20-something medical students — never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.  Even if one of you took my residency spot, bitches.”

  • Dr. Amy G. Dala

    Dr. Amy G. Dala spends her days trying to save the children from The Google, Jenny McCarthy, and unnecessary head CTs. She works because the alternative—being a stay-at-home mother to her several young tyrants—is much scarier. Follow her @AmyGDalaMD.

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