Surgeon General to Reverse Opioid Epidemic with Whopping Dose of Narcan
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams has unveiled a new strategy against the nation’s opioid epidemic, and it simply involves giving the United States a “whopping, several-million mg dose” of Narcan (naloxone) as soon as possible.
“It is estimated that over 2 million Americans have opioid-related morbidity and mortality,” Trent-Adams wrote in a letter addressed to the legions of health care professionals nationwide. “Assuming everyone requires an initial 2 mg dose of Narcan, then by my calculations we need to give this country an initial 4 million mg dose of Narcan. Come on, people, let’s get moving!”
According to Trent-Adams, intravenous (IV) administration through the I-95 vein on the East Coast would be ideal, but subcutaneous (SC) and intramuscular (IM) routes could work too, especially if given to some of the fleshier parts of the country.
The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has issued letters to several pharmaceutical companies that make naloxone requesting them to ramp up production. Both Trent-Adams and the CDC admit that even if pharmaceuticals can meet the demand as required for this initiative they’re still going to need one huge-ass auto-injector to get the job done.
“Maybe we can mount it onto a NASA rocket booster and then let the auto-injector free fall back into our country, maybe the Grand Canyon or Yellowstone, for safe administration,” posited Trent-Adams in a phone conversation with Gomerblog. “Now that I think if it, we’re also going to need one huge-ass sharps container too.”
If Trent-Adam’s initiative is a success, then the next project on the docket will be to partner with the National Park Services and the U.S. Department of Agriculture to perform a controlled burning of opioid supplies to really nip the epidemic in the bud. “Prevention is key here,” said Trent-Adams. “Can’t have an opioid epidemic without opioids.”