Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Sell More Stuff to Put in Your Vagina

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Actress, writer, singer, and female genitalia guru Gwyneth Paltrow would like to sell you more stuff to put in your vagina.  Fortunately, all of these items will be available for sale at her lifestyle brand, Goop.

Look at all the things Paltrow sells to put in my vagina!

Paltrow’s most popular vagina-stuffing item, a magical Jade Egg, promises to “increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.”  The Jade Egg also treats fibromyalgia and chronic Lyme disease, and is gluten- and GMO-free.

But Goop doesn’t want to just be known as the “crazy-as-f**k Jade Egg store”; they would like to sell other crazy stuff to put in your vagina.  So they will be featuring glitter bombs, snake oils, washes, steams, washing steams, steaming washes, and a Dr. Oz green coffee-extract vagina rocket.

GomerBlog spoke with actual vagina expert, Dr. Jennifer Gunter, MD, FRCS(C), FACOG, DABPM, ABPM, PhD, RN, APN, Esq, BOSS, who reminds readers, “Every single day I am finding new things to tell women not to leave in their vaginas.  And every single day Goop’s medical medium is finding new things to tell women their vaginas absolutely need.  This is exhausting.  I wish I could spend my energy discussing less controversial topics, like HPV vaccination.”

All of these vagina health items are conveniently available for sale on Paltrow’s website.  Proceeds from sales will go to advance scientific research and fund her secret McDonald’s french-fry addiction.

  • Dr. Amy G. Dala

    Dr. Amy G. Dala spends her days trying to save the children from The Google, Jenny McCarthy, and unnecessary head CTs. She works because the alternative—being a stay-at-home mother to her several young tyrants—is much scarier. Follow her @AmyGDalaMD.

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