Joel Osteen Unable to Open Doors to His Megachurch as He is Literally Dry Drowning in Cash

HOUSTON, TX – Pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas has been receiving some negative social media coverage lately after it was learned that his church had closed its doors to people displaced by the flooding from Hurricane Harvey.

As it turns out, Pastor Osteen was facing a crisis himself as he and his family have been dry drowning in money for the past several years.  Pastor Osteen’s wife Victoria explained: “Due to the incredible success of Joel’s ministry and the massive donations people have given our family… Ummm, I mean given to the Lord over the years, our whole house is flooded with cash.  Sometimes our kids and even Joel and I wake up in the middle of the night coughing up $5 bills soaked in frothy sputum.  Most people don’t understand what that’s like!”

Osteen has long been accused of extracting donations from even the poorest of his parishioners and using the money for personal advancement.  “The claims are not true at all,” Pastor Osteen responded while frantically working to keep his head and flowing locks above the swelling pile of currency filling his living room.  “We live a very modest life, just like everyone else who has a $10.5 million house with 6 bathrooms, 3 elevators and an Olympic-sized pool.”

When told that the median home price in Houston is $289,000, Osteen quickly replied, “Well I guess the Lord has just blessed me 36 times the amount he has blessed the average Houstonian.  Right now, we’re just focusing on getting some of this cash trucked to the bank so we can get to our door.  Once this liquid cash has been deposited and transferred to offshore accounts, I’ll be back on Twitter spreading #Thoughts and #Prayers and donating dozens of dollars to the relief effort out of the goodness of my heart.”

When told that the death toll from Hurricane Harvey had reached 30, Osteen started to tear up and blew his nose on a $100 bill before wiping his tears on the sleeves of his $43,000 Brioni suit.  “Please tell the people of Houston that I feel their pain and I too am drowning just dry drowning from cash aspiration like Floyd Mayweather instead of dirty flood water aspiration.  May God continue to bless us and if there’s time left, may God bless the other people who live in Houston too.”