SEATTLE, WA – Given the immensely popular Limited Edition Unicorn Frappuccino, Starbucks introduces a new diabetes-producing sweet treat, just in time for Halloween: the Zombie Frappuccino.
With real zombie unicorn blood, whipped cream brains, and a few drops of fresh tears from despondent interns, the Zombie Frappuccino promises to induce self-loathing, tachycardia, and diabetic coma.
Given the huge backlash of butthurt and hate from the original Unicorn Frappuccino linked to diabetes, the Gomerblog team was surprised Starbucks introduced a new seasonal frappuccino. But Starbucks President and CEO Kevin Johnson confesses, “People love diabetes. They say they want ‘organic’ and ‘healthy’ options. They say ‘Stop exposing our children to all this sugar, corn syrup, and fructose,’ but what people really want is more sugar, corn syrup, and fructose. Oh, and xanthan gum.”
The Zombie Frappuccino, available at select Starbucks stores through Tuesday, October 31, tastes like caramel apples. If caramel apples were covered in more sugar and caramel, and induced diabetes. Make sure to get yours “hospitalist style” with a side of metformin.