Breaking: Kool-Aid Man Admitted With Severe Fluid Retention

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Earlier today, the beloved mascot Kool-Aid Man was rushed to All Saints Memorial Hospital in Pittsburgh, PA, with the working diagnosis of severe fluid retention.

kool aidSpeaking with admitting trauma surgeon Dr. Patricia Zweibel, the fluid retention and resulting electrolyte imbalance led to acute psychosis which caused the Kool-Aid Man to jump through a wall resulting in numerous fractures and shards of glass.

Indeed, upon admission all the Kool-Aid man was only capable of mumbling “Oh yeah” over and over again. Orthopedic surgery was consulted for the multiple fractures, however, they declined, stating only, “It’s glass, not bones.”

The Kool-Aid Man was admitted to the trauma ICU, where he is expected to make a full recovery. Per Dr. Zweibel, “It’s a fairly tricky situation. The stuff coming out of him is red, but is it Kool-Aid? Or is his hemoglobin so low that it just looks like Kool-Aid? Obviously we’re waiting on some labs but the worst thing that can happen here is we over-diurese him and turn him back into powder form.”

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