donuts, doughnuts

Doctors Recommend Donuts as Safe Alternative to Romaine Lettuce

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Chicago – Romaine lettuce headlining the news again, linked to an outbreak of E. coli. But know who’s not in the news? That’s right, donuts.

donuts, doughnuts
Way healthier than Romaine Lettuce

Doctors advising people to avoid all types and uses of romaine lettuce, including whole heads, chopped salad mixes, baby romaine, and spring mix. The CDC further suggests avoiding anything that could be confused for romaine lettuce including, but not limited to, iceberg lettuce, arugula, hearts of palm, kale, broccoli, and artificially green-colored coconut flakes but seriously why the hell would you be eating that junk.

Instead doctors suggest substituting donuts for romaine. Safe varieties include jelly-filled, custard, glazed, cake, chocolate long john, powdered, Boston creme, sprinkled, and maple bacon. But not weird pepto-bismol pink glazed donuts which are more tragic than E. coli.

Nurses everywhere celebrate this recent food recall as they were getting weary of health-conscious staff gifting boxes of romaine lettuce to the nurse’s station. Now they can go back to the good old days of cases of deliciously healthier, E. coli-free donuts.

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  • Dr. Amy G. Dala

    Dr. Amy G. Dala spends her days trying to save the children from The Google, Jenny McCarthy, and unnecessary head CTs. She works because the alternative—being a stay-at-home mother to her several young tyrants—is much scarier. Follow her @AmyGDalaMD.

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