Doctors advising people to avoid all types and uses of romaine lettuce, including whole heads, chopped salad mixes, baby romaine, and spring mix. The CDC further suggests avoiding anything that could be confused for romaine lettuce including, but not limited to, iceberg lettuce, arugula, hearts of palm, kale, broccoli, and artificially green-colored coconut flakes but seriously why the hell would you be eating that junk.
Instead doctors suggest substituting donuts for romaine. Safe varieties include jelly-filled, custard, glazed, cake, chocolate long john, powdered, Boston creme, sprinkled, and maple bacon. But not weird Pepto-Bismol pink glazed donuts which are more tragic than E. coli.
Nurses everywhere celebrate this recent food recall as they were getting weary of health-conscious staff gifting boxes of romaine lettuce to the nurses station. Now they can go back to the good old days of cases of deliciously healthier, E. coli-free donuts.