Mrs. Claus Drops Santa Off in ER, Will Be Back Sometime Next Year

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EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT, NORTH POLE – Citing mental status changes and exhaustion, Mrs. Claus rolled Santa up to the emergency room this morning and just disappeared. Witnesses say they flew in via emergency air landing. Mrs. Claus said her and a red-nosed reindeer were heading to find parking in the garage. But then they just lifted back off, leaving Santa in the dust.

Santa was found carrying a long, rolled up list that triage assumed was a list of children and their toys. But instead it was a list of Mrs. Claus’s concerns including:

  • Accu-Chek > 600 after late-night cookie binge
  • 2nd degree burns from fireplace landings with fires still blazing
  • Excess “holiday” eggnog consumption
  • Severe lower back pain
  • Exhaustion
  • Mental status changes as he thinks little Timmy
    was nice although everyone knows he was naughty this year.

He also had an advanced directive because that’s what everyone over the age of 65 should have instead of a ridiculously useless Christmas wish list. Emergency room physicians seemed unfazed, as they frequently encounter disheveled, bearded men missing their pants. They paged social work to handle his placement and work their holiday magic.

  • Dr. Amy G. Dala

    Dr. Amy G. Dala spends her days trying to save the children from The Google, Jenny McCarthy, and unnecessary head CTs. She works because the alternative—being a stay-at-home mother to her several young tyrants—is much scarier. Follow her @AmyGDalaMD.

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