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DELTA 1342 – Well, I hate to break this news to you, especially since you were just so nice enough to volunteer and help out with this mid-flight medical emergency – we really do appreciate it! – but it looks like the emergency medical kit only contains bicarb.

Delta WiFi bicarb

What do I mean?  Well, uhhh… the thing is…

… I agree, the passenger doesn’t look great, and I’m not messing around… but I swear there’s no blood pressure cuff, no thermometer, and no stethoscope

Sorry I don’t see any gauze or alcohol wipes… Nope, no face masks, oxygen masks, anything to help with an airway… An IV kit?  So sorry, I can’t seem to find one of those either… I don’t see any needles or syringes actually… There is an awful lot of bicarb though…

I agree, they really do need to standardize emergency kits on planes, but… but I’m sorry, I can’t seem to spot any aspirin or epinephrine or inhalers or anything… Nitro?  Nope, not that… Maybe it’s this, nah, it’s just sodium bicarbonate again…

No, the kit isn’t empty, it’s actually overflowing with bicarb

Poll the passengers for meds?  Will do… (Two minutes pass.)

I’m so sorry, the passengers only seem to be carrying bicarb.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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