New York City, NY –For the past year, Effin Cluless FNP, DNP, RN, MSN, BLS, ACLS, GED, BFD, OPP, OMG, FFS has been he CEO of the Hospital for Regular Surgery (HRS) in New York City. He prides himself on keeping a finger on the pulse of the worker bees at HRS whose work pays his astronomical salary; the physicians. This is why he was devastated when he realized at 3PM on March 30 that he had forgotten it was Doctor’s Day!

In a self-described “brilliant move straight out of hospital leadership textbooks,” Cluless found his email that he had sent out for Nurse’s week last May, copied the first paragraph into a new email, and changed the heading to “Dear Doctors” from “Dear Nurses.” He then typed the following “As I know you are all too busy making lots of money for your beloved administrators to celebrate a full day, I offer a heartfelt thank you and kudos to all of you in this very efficient Doctor’s Minute.” After clicking send, Cluless sat back smiling knowing he had certainly made the days of countless doctors at HRS with his email.

“Honestly, it was the very absolute least I could do. We give gifts for nurse’s week, medical assistant week, physician assistant week, and administrator’s month, but we know most doctors make 20% of my salary or even more!” Cluless explained.

“They don’t need a physical token of appreciation, what they need is a mass email with a return receipt request sent right before I go home for the day at 3PM. I don’t know if every physician in our system is going to print out this email and hang it on their fridge at home, but I’d like to think they do.”

Last year, Doctors received a heartfelt thank you in person, however due to Cluless not realizing that it was Doctor’s day until 20 minutes after his normal departure time, there clearly was not time for in person thanks and a genuine e-mail thank you would have to suffice. 

“I believe that our Doctors know we appreciate them based on everything we do for them throughout the year. Our Doctors have to see all the things we do to show our appreciation for them including the mandatory online wellness training, new EMR changes that help us track their productivity, and keeping their pay stagnant while the Administration gets 25% raises annually.”

“Our Doctors know how much we appreciate efficiency as we keep increasing their work and administrative load while decreasing support staff. If they can see 50 patients in one clinic day, they can surely receive a whole day’s worth of appreciation in their Doctor’s minute!” Cluless explained as he climbed into his Tesla Model Y in his reserved parking spot. 

Las Vegas, NV – With COVID still raging across the country, medical professionals of all walks have been looking for ways to burn off some steam. A main outlet used to be going to a bar to meet strangers for one night stands and possible long term romances.

With COVID shutting down bars and clubs in most cities, Tinder and other “dating” apps have been thrust into the forefront of the dating scene.

We decided to look into the Tinder profiles of physicians and other health care professionals of various specialties/levels of training and see how they describe their dating style. What we found will astound, puzzle, and probably disturb you:

Administration: I’m going to provide no help during the process, but be damn sure I’ll take full credit for it afterwards!

Anesthesia: You may not feel anything but you also won’t have any pain afterwards. 

Cardiology: If my loving gives you a racing heart, I’ve got diltiazem for you.

Chiropractic: There is zero evidence I provide any benefit, but I’ll give you the best placebo you can imagine! 

Dermatology: My beauty is only skin deep but if you wanted inner beauty, you wouldn’t be looking on this app. 

Emergency Medicine: I’ll do anything you want to do, it just takes me 4 hours and a couple tests to figure out what it is. 

ENT: Like the Weber test, I lateral one toward bad conduct!

Family Practice: Whatever you’d like to do, I can handle it. If I can’t, I can find someone who can. 

General surgery: We’ll be up all night and it will be so good, you’ll have rebound tenderness by morning! 

GI: Pick a hole, we’ll scope it out!

Heme/onc: My love for you is metastatic and not just through your lymph nodes!

Infectious diseases: Whatever you’ve caught from this app, I can treat it. 

Internal Medicine: I don’t care if you’re a bit older and have a lot of problems! In fact, I prefer it! 

Naturopath: Just like in an actual medical emergency, I’m useless in the bedroom, but I think echinacea can help that!

Neurology: My essential tremor won’t be the only thing shaking tonight!

Neurosurgery: We can even go transsphenoidal if you’d like!

Nurse Practitioner: I have no experience and no idea what I’m doing, so I asked a Newbie NP Facebook group and now I’m ready to do that thing I still don’t understand!

OBGYN: I know what’s down there and I don’t need a map to find the spot. 

Occupational Medicine: You’re going to talk about me at work on Monday. 

Orthopaedic Surgery: I’m gonna nail you like a comminuted femur; it’ll be messy and I may need some clamps. 

Palliative Care: It’s all gonna end so we might as well go out together!

Pathology: I’m used to people who don’t move. 

Pediatrics: If you’re good, I’ll give you a sticker after! 

Physical Therapy: You’re going to need to stretch before and after.

Plastic Surgery: I can make you look better while you’re doing it. 

Psychiatry: If you’d rather just talk about it, I have an in house psychologist. 

Pulmonology: If I take your breath away, I know how to give it back. 

Rheumatology: Pain in your joints? I can work with that!

Urology: I can do a surgery on myself to make it bigger, but I’ve been told I don’t need it. 

Vascular surgery: If it doesn’t work for you, we can always chop it off!

Tuscaloosa, AL- As burnout has gained publicity in the medical world, hospital administrators have been working at a medium pace to find a cure for it. 

“The last thing we want is for physicians and midlevels to burnout and leave medicine,” Tuscaloosa Lutheran Hospital CEO Kevin Klueless BS, MHA, GED, MBA, PMHNP, DNP, BFD, PIA told Gomberblog. “Without doctors, it becomes very hard to run a profitable non-profit hospital.”

“If I can’t make money from medicine despite not having a f-ing clue about medicine, I could end up having to get a job where I would need to actually understand what really happens in that business! That is the scariest thought ever!” 

The mandatory burnout training has been conveniently scheduled for Saturdays from 7am to 4pm. Physicians are required to attend 4 sessions over a 5week period while midlevels are required to attend 2 sessions over the same duration. 

Mandatory burnout training for nurses will be held in 7 hour blocks conveniently timed to start immediately following shifts. To ensure maximal benefit, nurses will only be able to attend burnout training immediately following working a shift. 

CEO Klueless explained, “we need the doctors, midlevels and nurses to know how seriously we take burnout. To the end of this, no vacation or PTO will be allowed until all burnout training has been completed.”

Los Angeles, CA – After gradually wedging their way into the hearts and minds of healthcare professionals across the US and the world, Figs has been made DNR. The brand known for their form-fitting, over-priced, low-quality scrubs promoted by Instagram influencers/medical students has finally tripped over their own overpriced, designer shoes. 

Prior to today, Figs had made a market for themselves by sending a free pair of their shitty scrubs to medical students, nurses, PA’s and other healthcare professionals in exchange for copious posts artificially inflating the quality and comfort of the scrubs. 

That all changed when Figs posted a video advertising a pair of $46 scrub pants with a woman wearing a badge that read “DO” on it attempting to read a book entitled “Medical Terminology for Dummies” while holding the book upside down. And the idiots at Figs actually thought this could help sell scrubs!!!

Female Physicians, especially DO’s and those who support them immediately launched an all-out assault on the company via social media messages and emails. Many promised to boycott the scrubs, many had already decided to stop buying the scrubs before this, likely due in part to the strange stank they emanate that is usually blamed on the unnecessary antimicrobial additives. 

We asked Cedars Sinai DO physician and hospitalist, Hanna Rocky what she thought of Figs. “I bought a pair once but they were too form fitting. Clearly better designed for posing for Instagram than for any actual work in a hospital. Plus, I can’t wear them in the OR and good lord they have a funky smell” Dr. Rocky told Gomerblog. 

Gomerblog asked Figs co-founder and med-school dropout Heather Hassan for a comment on this fuck-up and she told us, “Let’s be honest, no self-respecting physician was wearing Figs anyway. They’re completely not functional, not really antimicrobial and they smell like ass. Our target market is the people who want to wear scrubs in public so other people THINK they’re doctors and nurses, not actual doctors.” 

Shortly after hearing these comments, Dr. Rocky made a chart entry in the EMR under Figs’ account making the brand DNR saying “we should have let them fade off when we recognized the smell. Now, they’ve crossed over to the realm of being un-savable along with 5^th Harmony and the Minnesota Vikings.”

San Diego, CA– When Balboa Memorial Hospital announced that they would be “upgrading” to a new Electronic Medical Record (EMR) last year, there was a significant amount of pushback from hospital staff. 

Lead Hospital Administrator Toomani Hashtagues MHA, BS, more BS, MBA, GED, OPP, BFD was quick to dispel any fears amongst hospital employees, “I have spoken to chief administrators at several other hospitals who have enacted this new EMR and they all said it was seamless and did not impact their ability to administrate at all!”

She continued, “In fact, after going through the EMR change, most employees said they would not want to go through another EMR change. That’s nearly unbeatable satisfaction!”

This week was go-live week at Balboa Memorial and thanks in large part to a complete failure of the trouble-ticket system, there have only been 2 complaints formally lodged!

“We’re aware of the inability for physicians, midlevels, nurses, techs, and other employees to file complaints about failures with the new system and we’re working on a patch for that. Despite this, the fact that we’ve only received 2 complaints through the system is a real testament to how great this new EMR truly is!”

Balboa Memorial Orthopaedic Surgeon Jorie Canney said the view from the ground is far less rosy than from the ivory tower, “It absolutely sucks. We installed a brand new system on 13 year old computers and an archaic network that couldn’t even handle the primitive system we used to use. The computer crashes every 5 minutes. The only thing preventing it from crashing more often is that it takes 5 minutes to reload and log in.”

Hashtagues was defensive when asked about Dr. Canney’s complaints, “If that was really an issue? We would have received complaints from the non-functioning feedback system. We installed all new monitors before this upgrade, I’m not sure what more they want!”

When asked about the monitors, Dr. Canney was less than impressed, “Yeah, now we can see the wheel of death spinning in much better resolution.”

We tried to get more comments from Hashtagues, but it was 2:45pm and she had gone home for the day. 

Chicago, IL- The American Association of Orthopaedic Surgeons announced today that the nation is running out of orthopaedic surgeons. 

“We’re losing 1,500-2,000 surgeons everyday. They’re just dropping like flies due to wearing masks in the OR.” AAOS President Dr. Joseph Bosco III told Gomerblog. 

“It’s clear that rebreathing exhaled carbon dioxide due to mask wear is the cause. It was never a problem until COVID experts from Facebook University pointed out the dangers of mask wear.”

Dr. Bosco explained, “When I saw a Facebook post by a high school dropout from my home town educating me on the risks of mask wear, I immediately feared the worst. Sure enough, once surgeons read about these risks in unsourced memes on social media, they started feeling the impact.”

After seeing 2,000 Orthopaedic surgeons drop dead from “carbon dioxide poisoning” as warned by social media-based medical experts, Bosco knew it was time to do something to alert the sheeple. 

A similar number of General surgeons have succumbed to mask related deaths since the awakening. Nurses seem somehow immune to the effects of wearing nurses. RNs across the country have been able to soldier on adding mask wearing without dying to their impressive skill set that already included ignoring their bladders for entire shifts. 

When asked what the plan is going forward to prevent more surgeons from dying from wearing masks, Dr. Bosco revealed that he had started doing some actual scientific research. “I wore a pulse ox on my earlobe for an entire day of surgeries while wearing an N95 mask and a regular mask over that. Turns out, the fear of hypoxia from mask wear is on par with fears of a unicorn apocalypse. My sats never got below 97%.”

After learning that deaths from mask wear were not actually possible, all of the “dead” surgeons got up and went back to work like the non-hypoxic sheeple that they are. 

Austin, TX –  In the past several months while the country has been undersiege from the Coronavirus, numerous political and professional groups have taken full advantage of the crisis to promote their own agendas. 

The American Association of Nurse Practitioners has been at the forefront of this pushing for unsupervised NP practice in an unsubstantiated claim that it will improve patient care and access to care ignoring the massive RN shortage caused in large part by the near cottage-industry that the online NP marketplace has become. 

AANP President, Sophia Thomas DNP, APRN, FNP, PPCNP, FNAP, FAANP, BSN, GED, BLS, BFD, OPP, EIEI-O today announced a new move to further exploit this crisis. “Many NP programs are entirely online and have been so even before the lockdown. The paltry requirement of 500 hours of clinicals for most schools is laughable at best. Even Petco requires more hours of hands on experience for their dog groomers (600hrs) before they can work independently. So I decided lets cut the charade and just eliminate the 500 hours altogether” Thomas decried from her personal MySpace page. 

“We can make tremendous gains under the guise of COVID relief. Then after the crisis is open, NPs all over the US will be able to practice at the top of their licenses and provide esthetic care unsupervised to the underserved and wrinkled people across America” Thomas continued. 

When asked if she had any concerns about the ability of NPs with 0 clinical hours, Thomas was undeterred, “We’ve been sending NPs out in independent practice with 5% of the training of actual residency trained physicians. How much of a difference does it really make if they have 95% less training or 100% less training than real physicians?” 

Everyone has that one song that fits them perfectly. Doctors are no different, we’ve compiled the definitive list of songs that best represent some of the various specialties. If we didn’t cover your specialty here, please comment on our facebook page with what song you think best fits your specialty and why!

Anesthesia: “Life’s A Gas” The Ramones 

The perfect song for the gas passers from the album ¡Adios Amigos!

Life’s A Gas is appropriately followed on the album by “Take The Pain Away”

Allergy: “Allergies” by Barenaked Ladies 

There are several songs about allergies including the Paul Simon classic by the same name from 1983 and the 2019 song “Allergic” by Post Malone. However, this BNL song hits so many high points, “Allergic to smoke, It makes me choke. Allergic to shrimp, I’ll blow up like a blimp”. Not many songs cover IgE mediated reactions. 

Cardiology: “Kickstart My Heart” by Mötley Crüe. Nothing screams I need a cardiologist like Nikki Sixx’s history of heroin addiction and a song inspired by his actual cardiac arrest!

Mötley Crüe – Kickstart My Heart (Official Music Video)5:13 · YouTube

Dermatology: “Skin Deep” by Melissa Ethridge. With repeating lyrics like “My love is only skin deep,” this song sums up dermatology perfectly from their love of skin to their inability to have anything more than a superficial relationship. 

Melissa Etheridge Skin Deep3:12 · YouTube

Emergency Med: “Urgent” by Foreigner. No other song describes life in the ER like a song that says “Urgent, oh so urgent just wait and see.” The urgency is always right around the corner but so is a 4 hour wait to be seen!

Foreigner – Urgent (1981) – Original Video3:52 · YouTube

ENT: “Let Me Clear My Throat” by DJ Kool. We considered “Do Your Ears Hang Low” but couldn’t get past the wobbling both to and fro. 

Family Practice: “Little Bit of Everything” by Keith Urban. This song just gets our FP

colleagues, Urban croons “A little bit of everything under the sun so, when I kick back basking in it I’ll be OK with what I’ve done Still having fun.” Little Bit of Everything

Gastroenterology: “Everbody Poops” by Koo Koo Kanga Roo. With such lyrics as “everybody poops eventually, it might be stuck constipation fiber’s the trick to making it slick” how can a Gastroenterologist not live this song?? I’m 65% certain that they play it for every single constipated patient they ever see. Everybody Poops

General Surgery: We thought about “Like a Surgeon” by Weird Al, but that’s way too obvious. The actual theme song of General Surgeons is “Cuts Like a Knife” by Canadian legend Bryan Adams. General surgery residency truly does “cut like a knife, but it feels so right” to the masochists who chose this specialty. 

Cuts Like A Knife

Heme/Onc: Bleeding Out by Linkin Park was an early front runner before being edged out by the Leona Lewis classic “Bleeding Love.” Hematologists make sure we can “keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding in love” Bleeding Love

Infectious Disease: There are countless songs about STDs like “Black Betty” by Ram Jam (congenital syphillis, listen to it and you’ll see) but that’s seems too passé so instead we’ve gone with the Eminem classic “‘Till I Collapse.” An off the beaten path choice to be sure, but Slim Shady was trying to teach us all to be good stewards of antibiotics when he taught us “penicillin could not get the illin’ to stop, Amoxacillin is just not real enough!” ‘Till I Collapse

Internal Medicine: “Who Wants to Live Forever” by Queen. A song that asks“Who wants to live forever? There’s no chance for us. It’s all decided for us” perfectly encapsulating the eternal struggle between internists and morticians. Why let someone pass on when you can milk out 11 months of weekly visits and monthly admissions in the name of increased life expectancy! Who Wants to Live Forever

Neurology: The Simple Minds classic “Don’t You Forget About Me” was actually written by a neurologist to their patient suffering from dementia, this is a little known and possibly true fact! The appearance of this 1985 jam during the credits of The Breakfast Club is entirely coincidental. After all, it asks the demented patient “Will you recognize me?

Call my name or walk on by” clearly initiating a mini mental status exam every time they hear the song! Don’t You

Neurosurgery: “Crash Course in Brain Surgery” by Metallica new all know Neurosurgeons have the longest residencies of any specialty, you don’t want someone with a degree from an online diploma mill and 500 hours of clinical training operating on your brain, or even treating your UTI for that matter. We know they don’t take crash courses in anything but this title alone is too damn awesome to pass up! Crash Course in Brain Surgery

Nurse Practitioners: What song perfectly sums up a group lobbying to do what Family Practice physicians do with 5% of the training? Has to be the Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain”, they probably think this list is about them. You’re So Vain

OB/Gyn: “Baby Baby” by Amy Grant. Clearly an OB wrote the lyrics “Baby, baby, No muscle man could sever…” after watching a new dad fumbling while trying to cut the umbilical cord! 

Baby, Baby

Ophthalmology: Peter Gabriel was unleashing his fantasies of being an ophthalmologist when he sang “In Your Eyes.” With lines like “In your eyes, The light the heat, In your eyes, I am complete” Gabriel’s dreams of operating in the vitreous were plainly there for all the world to see!

In Your Eyes

Orthopaedics: It’s incredibly obvious, but “Them Bones” by Alice In Chains is the choice here. Every orthopaedic surgeon dreams that every day is “gonna end up a big ole pile of them bones!”

Pathology: “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool doesn’t summarize pathologists so much as it summarizes the impetus for a lot of their work. It’s really hard to do an autopsy until the body hits the floor! Bodies

Physician Assistants: “Helping Hands” by one of the greatest Hair bands ever, Quiet Riot. PAs and their helping hands assist physicians from clinics to operating rooms across the country making sure the medical team keeps rocking!

Helping Hands

Plastic Surgery: The mavens of mammoplasty clearly appreciate Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” where it is fully acknowledged that “those silicone parts are made for toys!”

Baby Got Back

Psychiatry: “Insane in the Brain” by Cypress Hill. Obvious, not subtle at all, but neither are most psychiatrists. We also considered “Mother’s Little Helper” by The Rolling Stones but couldn’t convince ourselves not to hit this one right down the middle of the apparent fairway. 

Insane in the Brain

Radiology: Radiologists the world over probably hum “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel walking into the reading room every single morning. “Hello darkness my old friend…”

The Sound of Silence

Urology: Monty Python wrote the anthem for pecker checkers with “The Penis Song.” I think we all can occasionally shout hooray for the old “one-eyes trouser snake!”

Bakersfield, CA – Two physicians who don’t actually work in Emergency Rooms or at real hospitals have recently made waves with a youtube video and subsequent interviews where they claim to know more about COVID19 than Dr. Fauci and every other physician actually working in ER’s and hospitals across the world.

The two bumbling entrepreneurs, who are clearly motivated by their lost revenue, claim that COVID19 is overplayed and not even as dangerous as the regular influenza despite having less evidence to support this claim than Joint Commission has to support the banning of open drinks from work stations.

Drs. Daniel Erickson and Artin Massihi claim that at their urgent care clinics, they have performed 5,000 tests (roughly 0.001% of the nation, or the same percent of workers in the US who make over $60 million a year). Based on this thorough non-random analysis and some proprietary calculations performed on a Denny’s napkin, Dr. Erickson and Dr. Massihi claim they have proven that COVID19 is safe and that we should re-open the economy. Fortunately, they’ve arbitrarily that their minuscule sample from cities that encompass less than 1/40th the population of California is representative of the entire US including urban areas.

“I’ll be honest, the reason we won’t publish our findings or let anyone see the Denny’s napkin they’re written on is because it’s really shoddy math and we fudged a TON of numbers. We’re down several hundred thousand dollars in revenue from this damn virus and we desperately need the money. My Mazeratti payment is due May 1st.” Erickson admitted.

Massihi added, “We have a veritable army of undertrained midlevels and one doctor ready to prescribe antibiotics and narcotics for anyone who wants them. Literally walk in and say that you want an antibiotic for a cough you’ve had since lunch and once your payment clears, you’ve got it! But we can’t provide this very lucrative service because of social distancing! Come on Trump and Newsome, let people come get meds they don’t need! My caviar stock is down to 3 days!!!!”

Unfortunately for Massihi, Erickson and their bank accounts, the American College of Emergency Physicians and American Academy of Emergency Medicine released a joint statement condemning their claims as “reckless and untested musings” and “frankly complete bullshit.”

Erickson was disappointed but states he understands the ACEP and AAEM statements, “They’re basing their opinions off of data and the experiences of thousands of hard-working doctors who actually are working in real ER’s and real hospitals, not the desperate scheming of 2 guys who have spent more time in hair salons than in high acuity patient care this year.”

Orlando, FL– When Dr. Kristy Weber, AAOS President, made the difficult decision to cancel the 2020 annual AAOS meeting due to coronavirus, she had a lot of time to spend deep in thought. It was then that President Weber decided to make one of the largest nomenclature changes in Ortho history since the AO fracture classification. 

“We’re done with the term Osteoporosis. It shall now and forever more be called Bone Failure.” Dr. Weber announced to the applause and approving grunts of thousands of orthopods sitting at home. 

New AAOS President Dr. John A. Bosco III called the name change “Exceptional leadership of the finest kind by a phenomenal president!”

“The medicine nerds have Renal failure and Heart failure and Adrenal failure and who knows how many other failures to diagnose patients with. Osteoporosis sounds so unimportant compared to any of the failures.”

“Now that we’re supposed to own the bone, or own the bones as the saying should be, it’s time we made people fear our diseases like they feared us in high school athletics.”

“Bone failure really helps drive home the point that the whole damn organ system is falling apart and that we damn sure need to do something about it. Then it’s on to endocrinologists to figure out whether it’s Bisphosphonates, Pulsed PTH, SERMs, Calcitonin or any of the other options is best for the patient.”

“Bone failure. It’s the new hotness. Now let’s start taking it seriously!”