ALPHABET CITY, NY—With so many recommended vaccines—MMR, DTaP, IPV, Hib, PCV, RV etc—it can be challenging to remember all their names, let alone when to give them. That is, until now. That’s because there’s finally a universal vaccine that will displace all others, and everyone, including anti-vaxxers, can easily get behind. Called the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine, it provides immunity against every known infectious disease, all in one shot.

“It’s 2020,” said lead vaccine developer, Abby Ceez. “It’s completely unacceptable that humans were caught off guard by a viral pandemic without any protection.” Working under “Operation Warp Speed” standards, the research team quickly developed this all-in-one shot in less than a week. The FDA approved it a day later.

“It really wasn’t that hard,” remarked Dr. Ceez. “All we had to do was mix the currently available vaccines together and then develop a few thousand new ones and mix those in too.”

On top of that, to avoid any future outbreaks of novel viruses, the scientists even painstakingly developed vaccines for every possible mutation of every known pathogen…and made guesses on some unknown ones too. All of these are included in the new shot. “It was a piece of cake,” said Dr. Ceez.

The ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ injection takes 48 days to be completed. Fever up to 200 degrees Fahrenheit is certain to occur and will last for a year or two. Symptoms of each disease may be experienced simultaneously, though only temporarily (they hope). The makers cannot guarantee immunity to all or any of the diseases, especially any that might start with X. Experts warn that the immune system will probably overreact and go absolutely berserk, attacking everything in sight. Studies to evaluate safety and efficacy have not yet been performed nor are any planned.

These tiny inconveniences aside, interest in the new vaccine is sky-high. “You mean my kid would only have to get one shot ever?” asked a vaccine-hesitant mother. “Sign us up!”

Experts believe that the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine will help bring the Covid-19 pandemic to an end. But in the off chance that it doesn’t, there’s little need to worry. A pharmaceutical company in Denmark has developed a combination pill that contains every drug that’s been proposed as a therapeutic for Covid-19, including but not limited to hydroxychloroquine, chloroquine, remdesivir, ivermectin, famotidine, vitamin C, lopinavir-ritonavir, bleach, Lysol, Clorox, and a powerful light.

At press time, although early results have been promising, there have been reports of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-vaccinated children showing up to doctors’ offices with an apparent viral syndrome. “How can this be?” asked an incredulous Dr. Ceez. “The vaccine is supposed to stop all infections that begin with a letter between A and Z.” But after seeing photos of the affected children, her cheeks soon became as red as the kids’.

“Oh crap,” she muttered, “5th disease!”

BEAR, DE—In an admirable attempt to incentivize mask-wearing amongst America’s twentysomethings, who are thought to be driving the summer resurgence of Covid-19 due to a callous disregard for CDC recommendations, health officials have offered them a sweet deal: If they cover up their mouth and nose in public, they don’t have to cover up the rest of their bodies!

Infectious diseases experts believe this may be the key to suppressing the SARS-CoV-2 virus once and for all. “We know masking is very effective,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, “but many young people feel like their freedom is being taken away when forced to wear a mask. So in exchange, we’re giving them some freedom back by temporarily ending public nudity bans.”

Standing in front of a banner displaying the CDC’s new slogan, “Wear a Mask, Bare Your Ass,” Dr. Anthony Fauci echoed the CDC Director. “Let’s face it, these beautiful young people wanna be naked and party all the time, and old people like myself just don’t want to die. It’s a win-win situation for all involved.”

Although the deal is strictly for people aged 20-29, Dr. Fauci donned a mask and proceeded to strip down to his birthday suit for a demonstration of the plan, but horrified news networks quickly cut away. A flood of complaints then overwhelmed the networks, but it’s entirely unclear whether the complaints were about the on-air nudity or the networks’ decision to cut away. [Ed. note: We would bet on the latter. Hey, Fauci may be approaching 80, but he still looks good!]

As for whether twentysomethings will agree to this deal…well, duh, of course they will! Sources indicate they couldn’t get their clothes off fast enough, with most of them completely disrobed before the CDC even finished their announcement. “This changes everything!” exclaimed one drunk hottie at a beachside bar, as she proudly sported a sexy cloth mask from Victoria’s Secret and nothing else.

Parents seem pleased too. As his masked but otherwise nude 20-year-old daughter left for a date with a similarly (un)dressed man, Dr. Rohit Agarwhal marveled at the fact that the mask will prevent more than just Covid. “It’s such a relief knowing she won’t be able to kiss guys on first dates anymore.”

There are, however, a few critics who worry about the wisdom of this policy, but Dr. Fauci quickly dismissed their concerns. “Public nudity may be a bit indecent, but as far as I can tell, nobody’s ever caught Covid from staring at boobs, butts, vaginas, and penises! I’d much rather these people cover up their mouth and nose than their private parts!”

UPDATE: Great news! Since the nudity deal was announced, Covid-19 rates have plummeted. In unrelated news, the prevalence of all sexually-transmitted infections has skyrocketed to 100% amongst twentysomethings.

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing new research from the Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) that indicates physicians prescribe drugs they learned about in medical school at a far higher rate than those they did not, Washington Medical School has announced its popular Pharmacology course will be immediately and permanently removed from its curriculum.

“The data is striking and indisputable,” said the embarrassed Dean of Students Priya Scryber. “It’s quite clear our former students were heavily influenced by our Pharmacology lectures. You’d think these brilliant young minds would be capable of thinking for themselves, but apparently they’re just blindly prescribing whichever medications they were lectured about in that class.

“How else do you explain,” Dr. Scryber continued, “why every single one of my former students always prescribes carbidopa/levodopa for Parkinson disease and thyroid hormone for hypothyroidism?”

Patients might expect their doctors to be free-thinking practitioners who wouldn’t necessarily always choose insulin for Type I Diabetes or albuterol for acute bronchospasm, but it’s very evident that Pharmacology professors’ aggressive drug education tactics, which include flashy PowerPoint slides and alluring graphs, have had a prolonged impact on students.

“Doctors should freely select the medication that’s most appropriate for their patients,” argues study author, Dr. Doug Pusher, “and not just pick the drug that was peddled to them by some pushy professor who was paid handsomely to describe it to them.”

Dr. Pusher believes that the main problem with large pharmacology courses is that they influence everyone to prescribe the same drugs, failing to take into account that the demographics of every medical office is different. “Drug education for physicians should be individualized,” recommended Dr. Pusher. “Maybe the best solution would be for pharmaceutical companies to send highly-trained representatives to teach doctors which exact medications would work best for their specific patient populations.

“Ideally,” he continued, “this could be done over dinner, or at a Broadway show, or during a baseball game, or even on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Hawaii.”

Dr. Pusher also believes it may be necessary to provide doctors with helpful reminders (perhaps with pens, mugs, or even cars with drug names printed on them) since “there are so many drugs these days and, really, who can remember them all?”

The authors next plan to examine whether popular reference materials, such as Epocrates, UpToDate, or the Pharmacopeia, influence which drugs doctors prescribe. If needed, they are more than ready to shut down these nuisances as well.

LITTLE FALLS, MN—Dr. Daya Stolick, a new surgical intern, hardly broke a sweat when there was a massive amount of blood loss during her first operative case, expertly helping her attending stop the hemorrhaging. But hours later, during a post-op check, when she saw the numbers 60/30 flashing on the patient’s monitor, she dropped straight to the ground.

Humiliated, Dr. Stolick struggled to explain what happened on that fateful day. “I think I just panicked when I saw those alarming red numbers. As a stupid intern, I had no idea blood pressure could even drop that low, let alone what to do for it. Vasopressors? Fluids? Medicine consult? Prayer? Who knows? So I just performed the best intervention I could think of: faint and let someone else take care of the problem.”

While her fellow residents have mercilessly mocked her ever since, her attending has been surprisingly easy on her. “I think it’s admirable that she let her blood pressure plummet to the same level as the patient’s. Now that’s what I call empathy!”

Although Dr. Stolick may have been embarrassed, she is hardly alone. A recently published New England Journal of Medicine article concluded that residents’ blood pressures tend to match their patients. “In fact, I once had a patient with a blood pressure of 250/130,” said the study’s lead author. “I was so stressed and anxious that my own BP soon jumped just as high. Then I compassionately held his hands, gazed into his eyes, and we stroked out together.”

Many believe it’s simply beautiful when a doctor is there for her patient like that. Nonetheless, Dr. Stolick’s medical peers have been ruthless in their teasing of her. On rounds, when it’s time to discuss patients’ vital signs, someone inevitably gives her a helmet, slides over a chair, or kindly suggests that she step away for a few minutes. “We also race to cover telemetry monitors before Dr. Stolick comes in,” explained a 2nd-year resident. “Wouldn’t want her to pass out from seeing a systolic blood pressure of 90, now would we?”

“Sometimes we even kick the patients out of their beds so that Dr. Stolick can lie down during rounds,” the resident added.

At press time, Dr. Stolick was called to see an unresponsive patient whose blood sugar was 25. Her struggling brain gobbled up all the glucose it could as it hopelessly pondered what to do next and then did the only thing it could think of: pass out.

UPDATE: When Dr. Stolick came to, she asked the nurse what had happened. The nurse replied, “It was your blood sug—”.

“Blood!” Dr. Stolick interrupted the startled nurse. “That’s what I should have given my first patient…blood!”

WASHINGTON, DC—Leaders of “Operation Warp Speed” (OWS), the government program tasked with developing a Covid-19 vaccine, insist that despite the name, their top priority is safety, not speed. As proof, they announced today that their Phase I trials—the phase that typically evaluates safety—will enroll 7.8 billion people.

“This will be the largest clinical study ever,” boasted OWS Chief Advisor Moncef Slaoui, PhD, “which obviously means it will be the safest.”

With so many participants, researchers expect to uncover every possible adverse effect of each vaccine candidate. “If any of these potential vaccines are universally fatal, we’ll soon know it, and we can make sure that one never makes it to market,” said Dr. Slaoui, as he plunged the first dose of an experimental vaccine into a screaming baby.

Of course, the size of the study is not the program’s only feature clearly designed for safety, not speed. With lines extending for hundreds of miles, they are keeping things safe by reusing the same needle on everyone. “There are millions of people on line to get a shot,” said OWS Chief Operating Officer Gustave Perna. “Imagine how many needle stick injuries our staff would suffer if they had to swap needles after every injection!”

According to Mr. Perna, they will also be injecting the doses intravenously. “Again this is for safety reasons. Too many people complain of sore muscles with the IM shots. That’s a risk we’re just not willing to take.”

“Sure, we’d love to do this speedily, too,” Dr. Slaoui remarked, “but if people prefer we go much slower, we’d be more than happy to change our name to ‘Operation Slow As Molasses,’ though I believe that name’s already been taken by the HIV vaccine folks.”

Anti-vaccination groups, perhaps surprisingly, are in full support of this program. “Finally we have a study that’s taking safety seriously. It’s just wonderful that they’re testing every population and every demographic group to ensure safety—that’s all we ever wanted.”

But in a secret recording of an OWS meeting, leaked to GomerBlog, Dr. Slaoui appears to have let the truth slip out. “Of course we’re only about speed! We don’t even have a control group. And it’s called ‘Operation Warp Speed’ because by the time the study ends and the FDA approves one of these vaccines, everyone will have already received it!”

Wow, that is warp speed…or is it warped safety?

UPDATE: Hours ago, Dr. Slaoui announced that OWS had found a safe vaccine in record time. A member of the press asked: “So you got the safety and speed part down, but is it effective?” To which, Dr. Slaoui shrugged and replied: “Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad!”

ATLANTA, GA—A new report released earlier this week by the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) contained both good and bad news. The good news is that, according to scientists’ calculations, the vast majority of Americans will survive the Covid-19 pandemic. The bad news is that the vast majority of livers will not.

The destruction of America’s livers appears to be linked to a surge in alcohol consumption, which has shot up approximately one-hundred-million percent since the start of the pandemic. “The mandatory ‘stay-at-home’ orders might as well have been called ‘stay-at-home-and-drink,’” said CDC scientist and lead author of the report, Dr. Wes Key, “because that’s what everyone did.”

No one is really surprised by this news. “What did they expect to happen?” asked Atlanta native Daniel Jacks. “There’s been nothing to do except binge watch Netflix shows and chat with people on Zoom. And everyone knows those activities are way better with a glass, I mean bottle, of wine or a bottle, I mean pitcher, of beer. Is there any wonder our livers are dying?”

The drinking-at-home trend does not appear to be going away anytime soon, either. “I had no idea liquor stores delivered,” said Mr. Jacks. “We’ve been doing it wrong all these years! Why risk lives by driving to-and-fro bars when the local liquor store will deliver all the booze you want right to your doorstep?”

Even the study’s lead author is guilty of imbibing. “Liquor is pretty much a requirement for all Zoom sessions,” admitted Dr. Key. “Last night, I poured myself some whiskey and then logged on to my virtual AA meeting.”

While most are drinking for pleasure, a few people are apparently drinking for supposed therapeutic reasons. “I heard alcohol destroys the coronavirus, so I guzzled down gallons of vodka, but in the end, I still got Covid-19 anyway…and a touch of alcoholic hepatitis,” lamented one local man, who added that maybe next time he’ll try bleach instead.

The CDC noted that the country hasn’t seen this level of alcohol consumption since the last great pandemic—the Spanish flu which began in 1918. But it urged the public not to get too concerned yet. “Those people’s livers all recovered,” said Dr. Key, “after only 13 years of Prohibition!”

At press time, the United Network for Organ Sharing announced that it was placing America at the very top of the liver transplant list.

NEW YORK, NY—Not wanting to get caught with egg on their faces or poop in their hands, maternity wards throughout New York City have started stockpiling billions of diapers in preparation for the expected onslaught of pandemic babies later this year and into early 2021.

“We don’t want to be in a similar situation that our Intensive Care Units faced when they had a severe shortage of ventilators,” said Dr. Pam Purze, Chair of the Ob/Gyn Department at Manhattan Medical Center. “Just as ventilators are vital to support failing lungs in the ICU, diapers are equally vital to support failing anal sphincters in the maternity ward. And I’m not only talking about the babies—some moms too!”

In addition to diapers, obstetrics departments fear a potential shortage of other essential supplies, including pacifiers, swaddle blankets, and butt cream. “On top of that, all of these babies are gonna be hungry! Thankfully, the government has heard our desperate pleas and has already started stockpiling breast milk and wet nurses, which they’ll be able to distribute as soon as they’re needed,” said Dr. Purze.

Some within the obstetrics field, however, consider all of this a big waste of time and money. “We’re just not seeing any uptick in pregnancies,” said Brooklyn obstetrician, Dr. Dee Pence, speculating that perhaps being stuck inside a tiny, cramped New York City apartment 24/7 for months at a time just isn’t a great recipe for intercourse and conception. Come to think of it, we should probably be preparing for millions of pandemic divorces instead!”

Others point out that it’s just not practical to make babies when 6 feet apart from each other. “I may have super sperm,” said one local man, “but my aim isn’t that good!”

But Dr. Purze downplays the concern, claiming that pregnant women are just too scared to come to the office right now. “Trust me, everyone’s getting pregnant. Any animosity between partners is easily overcome by the tons of alcohol and drugs they are consuming!”

At press time, hospital engineers were busy trying to determine if diapers could be washed and reused or if one diaper could be modified for use on multiple babies simultaneously.

ATLANTA, GA—Staring for hours at the 500,000x-magnified image of the novel coronavirus under his electron microscope, Dr. Henry Thomson of the CDC just could not believe his startling discovery: Imprinted at the base of one of the coronavirus’ crownlike spikes were the words “Made in China!” This shocking finding is being taken as definitive proof that the devastating virus originated in a Chinese lab.

“I told you so!” shouted a gleeful Alex Jones of InfoWars, who for the first time ever may have had a conspiracy theory proven correct*. But instead of taking the win gracefully, Mr. Jones unfortunately kept on talking: “You wanna know why kids are barely affected by this virus? It’s because the Chinese don’t want to kill our kids. No, they’re planning something way more sinister than death for them. My sources tell me that they loaded up this virus with Communist genes, which are being inserted into our kids’ genomes when they get infected. These viral genes then lay dormant for years, causing no symptoms, until these kids become adults. That’s when those genes will suddenly reactivate and—BAM!—our kids will turn into Commies!”

Despite the paranoid tirades of crazy conspiracists, the US government is urging Americans to remain calm. “This is actually great news,” said the CDC in a press release. “Now that we know the virus was made in China, we can expect it to break down in a few months.”

The Chinese government, however, is denying any involvement, arguing that there’s a perfectly plausible explanation for the “Made in China” stamp. “It must have occurred naturally,” said a confident President Xi Jinping. “After all, if we really made this virus, wouldn’t we have written those words in Chinese?”

Meanwhile, the World Bat Organization released a statement on behalf of bats, the much-maligned flying mammal that was previously accused of being the origin of the coronavirus. “We expect a prompt apology, and if we don’t get one, we’re gonna invade everyone’s attics and poop everywhere! Then you’ll all be as bats**t crazy as Alex Jones.”

At press time, Dr. Thomson was busily checking the thousands of other viruses stored in his lab and was stunned to discover that they all had “Made in China” imprinted on them. “Holy crap,” he said, “everything really is made in China!”

Either that or maybe it was his glass slides that were made in China?

UPDATE: *Sorry, Mr. Jones, it was the glass slides. You’re still winless.

PRINCETON, NJ—A major outbreak of lice has struck a local preschool, leading one frantic mother to hire an exterminator to rid her son’s hair of the icky bugs.

“I do not play around,” said Mrs. Lisa Piditch to What the Bug Pest Control, “not when my little Stewy can’t stop scratching his head because it’s full of tiny, disgusting bugs. Of course, I refuse to pick the bugs and nits out of his hair myself because—eww, gross! So, I need you to come and kill every last one of those blood-sucking bastards…and their little eggs too. Give me the most potent, noxious chemicals you got, and dump them by the gallon right on my son’s head!”

What the Bug Pest Control says it’s never had a request quite like this one before. “This woman is obviously nuts, but she’s 100% right about needing to target the head. So we said, ‘What the bug, we’ll do it!’—which also happens to be our motto. Besides, she threatened to end her contract with us if we said no.”

So earlier this morning, the exterminator sprayed every inch of Stew’s thick, bushy hair and made a stunning observation. In addition to lice, he found a few spider webs, a wasp nest, ticks, centipedes, snakes, and even a squirrel storing acorns in his hair. “It’s pretty clear we’ve been doing this job all wrong all these years,” he said. “Instead of spraying the perimeter of houses, we really should be dousing the children of the house with our chemicals!”

Prior to leaving, the exterminator planted a “Keep Off” sign in Stew’s hair. “Don’t let anyone touch his head or hair for a week, including Stewy himself. That stuff’s really toxic.” Mrs. Piditch thanked him profusely, saying it shouldn’t be a problem to keep her 4-year-old son from touching his hair for a week.

To prevent a recurrence, she has started bathing Stew in a pool of organophosphate pesticide solution and applying a boric acid shampoo to his hair. Overall, she is very pleased with the results and not at all concerned about Stew’s annoying complaints of nausea, paresthesias, weakness, and muscle twitching. She’s also unmoved by the tsunami of drool pouring out of his mouth. “I think he’s just salivating for more lice-killing organophosphate solution,” she said, as she dumped another bucketload of insecticide on him.

Little Stewy apparently also lost all his hair from the exterminator’s chemicals and his new shampoo. “Whatever,” said his mom, “the important thing is we got rid of those stupid itches.”

“Y’know, mom,” said her wise-ass, unappreciative son, “you could’ve just shaved my hair off.”

VOLTAGE, OR—In what can only be described as “shocking” news, the FDA recently approved a novel implantable cardioverter-defibrillator that not only senses dangerous arrhythmias but also doubles as a Covid-19-prevention device. Indeed, this new AICD has been specially programmed to deliver shocks to the heart every time a user touches his face.

“Humans touch their faces constantly, and that’s one way for harmful germs, like the coronavirus, to get into our eyes, noses, and mouths. I’ve been telling people they must stop doing this for months, but no one listens,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci disapprovingly, as he rubbed his eyes and picked his nose.

Doctors believe the best way to change this hazardous behavior is by sending 300 Joules of electricity to the heart each time people touch their faces. “I believe it’s called aversive conditioning, or maybe negative reenforcement,” said an exhausted Fauci. “Ah, who the hell knows what it’s called? Basically, we zap your hearts, you feel like you’ve been kicked in the chest, and you quickly learn to stop touching your damn face.”

Early users of the new technology claim it works very well. “The first day I was shocked three dozen times, and one week later, I never touch my face,” said Alec Tristy, who lamented that despite that, he’s now getting shocked way more than ever before. “Whenever I piss off my wife, which is always, she gets back at me by touching my face! Even my kids are doing it now—‘Let’s shock daddy!’ they excitedly say.”

Speaking of young kids, they are known to be among the most guilty of excessive face-touching. Starting this fall, all day-care centers and preschools will mandate that kids have these AICDs implanted. “Can we also program their devices to shock them every time they don’t listen to us?” pleaded one teacher.

Another early user, Ms. Jules Anne Watts, complains that the sensor is way too sensitive. “It shocks me anytime anything touches my face. Water in the shower—ZAP! Putting on makeup—THUMP! Putting my head on a pillow at night—JOLT! I have to sleep standing up now!”

At press time, Mr. Tristy was in the midst of an epic battle with a pesky itch on the tip of his nose. He was determined to overcome it as he did not want to get—ZAP! “Oh well, it was totally worth it,” he said, as he recovered from the painful shock. “Itches can be so excruciating!”