Los Angeles, CA – After gradually wedging their way into the hearts and minds of healthcare professionals across the US and the world, Figs has been made DNR. The brand known for their form-fitting, over-priced, low-quality scrubs promoted by Instagram influencers/medical students has finally tripped over their own overpriced, designer shoes. 

Prior to today, Figs had made a market for themselves by sending a free pair of their shitty scrubs to medical students, nurses, PA’s and other healthcare professionals in exchange for copious posts artificially inflating the quality and comfort of the scrubs. 

That all changed when Figs posted a video advertising a pair of $46 scrub pants with a woman wearing a badge that read “DO” on it attempting to read a book entitled “Medical Terminology for Dummies” while holding the book upside down. And the idiots at Figs actually thought this could help sell scrubs!!!

Female Physicians, especially DO’s and those who support them immediately launched an all-out assault on the company via social media messages and emails. Many promised to boycott the scrubs, many had already decided to stop buying the scrubs before this, likely due in part to the strange stank they emanate that is usually blamed on the unnecessary antimicrobial additives. 

We asked Cedars Sinai DO physician and hospitalist, Hanna Rocky what she thought of Figs. “I bought a pair once but they were too form fitting. Clearly better designed for posing for Instagram than for any actual work in a hospital. Plus, I can’t wear them in the OR and good lord they have a funky smell” Dr. Rocky told Gomerblog. 

Gomerblog asked Figs co-founder and med-school dropout Heather Hassan for a comment on this fuck-up and she told us, “Let’s be honest, no self-respecting physician was wearing Figs anyway. They’re completely not functional, not really antimicrobial and they smell like ass. Our target market is the people who want to wear scrubs in public so other people THINK they’re doctors and nurses, not actual doctors.” 

Shortly after hearing these comments, Dr. Rocky made a chart entry in the EMR under Figs’ account making the brand DNR saying “we should have let them fade off when we recognized the smell. Now, they’ve crossed over to the realm of being un-savable along with 5^th Harmony and the Minnesota Vikings.”

Salt Lake City, UT – After reports of a mysterious monolith appearing in the desert of southeastern Utah, followed by similar structures recently found in Romania and California, doctors at Salt Lake Regional medical center were surprised to encounter an identical monolith on one patient’s CT abdomen and pelvis.

A middle-aged gentleman presenting with colicky flank pain was assumed to have kidney stones until his imaging came back with what appears to be a miniature, triangular monolith contained with the left renal pelvis. The density was consistent with a metallic object, much like the other monoliths found around the world.

Treating physicians were eager to publish a report of the first-ever documented case of acute monolithiasis. The patient was admitted to the floor for observation and serial imaging. Management of the condition will be supportive as the tiny monolith is projected to disappear on its own within a couple days after discovery.

A report by the Institute of Legal Education states that doctors are likely eligible for a Juris Doctorate degree after completing mandatory training for HIPAA and EMTALA compliance.

According to Jay Braslow, president of the institute, “the content of these modules are incredibly comprehensive, and cover 90% of the curriculum taught at most US law schools.”

Per Braslow, if hospitals were to add several modules on tort reform, litigation, and the Bill of Rights, physicians would indeed qualify for the JD degree.

Bernard Markesh, a compliance scholar, added that “most hospital compliance training consists of 75-87 hours of coursework on HIPAA, EMTALA, Stark Law, and anti-kickback statutes, which actually exceeds that provided at law schools.”

Dr Rajesh Modi, MD, expressed excitement at the possibility of earning a JD. “It would look great on my CV, and I would no longer have to do those modules every 6 months, right?”

Jay Braslow, the institute president, added that doctors would be able to apply for the degree starting in June, and that it would likely require completion of several additional online modules for the price of $249,000.

FIGS is doing their best to dig out of the misogynistic, sexist, and DO bashing hole that they found themselves in after releasing an advertising video on their website.  The video portrayed a female osteopathic physician in pink scrubs holding a “Medical Terminology for Dummies” book upside down.

Why would such a previously successful scrubs company owned and founded by two females run such a horrendous ad? GomerBlog discovered that an address corresponding to the FIGS headquarters had ordered “multiple” copies of the popular “Advertising for Dummies” book.  GomerBlog pressed FIGS to clarify and we received this response.

“Yes, we think we found the root cause of the problem,” stated FIGS twitter DM. “In attempting to become a better business we ordered several Advertising for Dummies books, but the problem is we read them upside down.”

FIGS continued, “We also think the scrubs we were wearing were so tight that they actually increased bloodflow to our heads too much causing us to be confused. Please, we love you guys, PLEASE continue to buy our scrubs!!  We promise not to accidentally use a skinny model with a DO badge reading a medical terminology for dummies book upside down ever again! Next time we will use a homemaking magazine or how to get into a real medical school book and it will definitely be upright!”

ALPHABET CITY, NY—With so many recommended vaccines—MMR, DTaP, IPV, Hib, PCV, RV etc—it can be challenging to remember all their names, let alone when to give them. That is, until now. That’s because there’s finally a universal vaccine that will displace all others, and everyone, including anti-vaxxers, can easily get behind. Called the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine, it provides immunity against every known infectious disease, all in one shot.

“It’s 2020,” said lead vaccine developer, Abby Ceez. “It’s completely unacceptable that humans were caught off guard by a viral pandemic without any protection.” Working under “Operation Warp Speed” standards, the research team quickly developed this all-in-one shot in less than a week. The FDA approved it a day later.

“It really wasn’t that hard,” remarked Dr. Ceez. “All we had to do was mix the currently available vaccines together and then develop a few thousand new ones and mix those in too.”

On top of that, to avoid any future outbreaks of novel viruses, the scientists even painstakingly developed vaccines for every possible mutation of every known pathogen…and made guesses on some unknown ones too. All of these are included in the new shot. “It was a piece of cake,” said Dr. Ceez.

The ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ injection takes 48 days to be completed. Fever up to 200 degrees Fahrenheit is certain to occur and will last for a year or two. Symptoms of each disease may be experienced simultaneously, though only temporarily (they hope). The makers cannot guarantee immunity to all or any of the diseases, especially any that might start with X. Experts warn that the immune system will probably overreact and go absolutely berserk, attacking everything in sight. Studies to evaluate safety and efficacy have not yet been performed nor are any planned.

These tiny inconveniences aside, interest in the new vaccine is sky-high. “You mean my kid would only have to get one shot ever?” asked a vaccine-hesitant mother. “Sign us up!”

Experts believe that the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine will help bring the Covid-19 pandemic to an end. But in the off chance that it doesn’t, there’s little need to worry. A pharmaceutical company in Denmark has developed a combination pill that contains every drug that’s been proposed as a therapeutic for Covid-19, including but not limited to hydroxychloroquine, chloroquine, remdesivir, ivermectin, famotidine, vitamin C, lopinavir-ritonavir, bleach, Lysol, Clorox, and a powerful light.

At press time, although early results have been promising, there have been reports of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-vaccinated children showing up to doctors’ offices with an apparent viral syndrome. “How can this be?” asked an incredulous Dr. Ceez. “The vaccine is supposed to stop all infections that begin with a letter between A and Z.” But after seeing photos of the affected children, her cheeks soon became as red as the kids’.

“Oh crap,” she muttered, “5th disease!”

An area emergency room physician was stunned today when his patient, a 4 year old boy whose parents denied any medical history, was found to have a well-healed sternotomy scar on examination.

“Imagine my surprise when I went to examine this previously healthy little boy and found a large scar at the thoracic midline, along with a 4/6 systolic murmur, a broviac, and a g-tube” said an exasperated Dr Nathan Subaraman, MD.

When asked if the boy ever had surgery, his parents initially said no, but with further prompting they did recall “three or four” procedures related to the boy’s heart, or possibly his lungs, liver, or intestines.

“I’m not sure when it was done, or why, or at what hospital,” said the boy’s mother, Vivian Blank, 35.

When asked if he is followed by any specialist doctors, she said he was followed by four of them in a nearby city, but she can not recall their names, institution, or specialty.

“That plastic thing on his chest? Some nurses come to the house each day and put special medicines through it,” said Mrs. Blank, though she was unsure of what medicines or why they were provided.

When asked about other medical issues, apart from those related to his heart surgery, broviac, and g-tube, she did vaguely recall an allergy to Vincristine and that he needs a medicine called “factor,” and that he “must not have any carnitine…no…he must have extra carnitine!”

New York, New York- In an exciting turn of events congress has recently passed bill 151, also known as “the ghost law”. After much heated deliberation with strong consideration from physicians from petitions, bill 151 was voted on unanimously!

What is bill 151? Bill 151 or “the ghost law” allows physicians to terminate a patient in their practice at any time, without any warning and face no legal consequences from doing so. “Social media has really been embedded into our society” said Judd Dredge J.D., a legal representative who helped passed bill 151.

“Medicine needs to get with the times and get with how people talk and interact. We wanted to do away with “firing a patient” as patients did not like that terminology… it was if they were employers for the physician. Instead, a physician can now “ghost” a patient… and as we predicted, patients are much more receptive to this!”

How does Bill 151 work? Bill 151 goes into effect immediately and basically puts all the power in the physician! If they do not like a patient, they just avoid seeing the patient by any means. Dr. Phan Tom, one physician who advocated strongly for this bill had this to say: “this bill will make the doctor-patient relationship that much better. Instead of filling out mountains of paper work and still seeing a patient for 30 days, we just ghost them. If they show up for an appointment, my nurse will triage them and I just never enter the room.

Eventually, I get my nurse to tell them “the doctor can’t make it” or “he is feeling sick, sorry”. Or if they call or use the patient portal, I just won’t answer, nor do I need to. I might however call or message them back and tell them “I have been really really really busy…. sorry but we will catch up soon.” I tell you, it really makes my life easier!”

What do physicians think about it? Physicians are rejoicing nationwide. Instead of dragging their feet explaining for the 15th time that their poorly compliant diabetic needs to take their medications, the physician can just choose not to see them. One physician, who did not want to be named said: “I think it is awesome, especially for physicians that get their feelings hurt! I used to get sad when I found out one of my patients was ALSO seeing another physician across town… I am no ones second choice…so I just ghosted the patient because I don’t need that in my life!”

SEATTLE, WA – Dr. Samuel Sheepman, a general practitioner at Wortley Medical Clinic, has created a new frequent flyer rewards program for chronic illness patients.

“For example, say we have a patient with fibromyalgia. For their first visit, I’ll have a medical student or resident educate the patient on the reward card system: two clinic visits within a month-long period is a 30-point bonus with FastPass Rheumatology Referral”.

Dr. Sheepman notes that this program is versatile and easily modified for a multitude of chronic ailments. “A diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome immediately qualifies patients for our Discover Gastroenterology Reward Card, with an 18-month time window of unlimited colonoscopy referrals. Any variant of chronic pain gets the Anaesthesiology-Psychiatry United Explorer Reward Card with a bonus direct-from-clinic hospital admission…the possibilities are truly endless.”

Since adopting this new system, the nearby Alliance Atrium Hospital has seen a 79% increase in specialist consultations. However, Dr. Sheepman states his work on the program is far from over.

“My next goal is to bring our surgical colleagues into the fold to enhance continuity of care. I’m currently in talks with the medical director at Alliance Atrium to implement a Back Pain ExtraCare Optimum Program. We’re still ironing out the details, but essentially each patient that presents to our clinic with back pain will be entitled to a free direct inpatient admission to orthopaedic surgery.”

When reached for comment, Alliance Atrium’s director of orthopaedic surgery, Dr. Mason Steele, stated “if this idiot gets approval for this bullshit I will literally go to his clinic and burn it down”, before promptly disconnecting the call.

BEAR, DE—In an admirable attempt to incentivize mask-wearing amongst America’s twentysomethings, who are thought to be driving the summer resurgence of Covid-19 due to a callous disregard for CDC recommendations, health officials have offered them a sweet deal: If they cover up their mouth and nose in public, they don’t have to cover up the rest of their bodies!

Infectious diseases experts believe this may be the key to suppressing the SARS-CoV-2 virus once and for all. “We know masking is very effective,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, “but many young people feel like their freedom is being taken away when forced to wear a mask. So in exchange, we’re giving them some freedom back by temporarily ending public nudity bans.”

Standing in front of a banner displaying the CDC’s new slogan, “Wear a Mask, Bare Your Ass,” Dr. Anthony Fauci echoed the CDC Director. “Let’s face it, these beautiful young people wanna be naked and party all the time, and old people like myself just don’t want to die. It’s a win-win situation for all involved.”

Although the deal is strictly for people aged 20-29, Dr. Fauci donned a mask and proceeded to strip down to his birthday suit for a demonstration of the plan, but horrified news networks quickly cut away. A flood of complaints then overwhelmed the networks, but it’s entirely unclear whether the complaints were about the on-air nudity or the networks’ decision to cut away. [Ed. note: We would bet on the latter. Hey, Fauci may be approaching 80, but he still looks good!]

As for whether twentysomethings will agree to this deal…well, duh, of course they will! Sources indicate they couldn’t get their clothes off fast enough, with most of them completely disrobed before the CDC even finished their announcement. “This changes everything!” exclaimed one drunk hottie at a beachside bar, as she proudly sported a sexy cloth mask from Victoria’s Secret and nothing else.

Parents seem pleased too. As his masked but otherwise nude 20-year-old daughter left for a date with a similarly (un)dressed man, Dr. Rohit Agarwhal marveled at the fact that the mask will prevent more than just Covid. “It’s such a relief knowing she won’t be able to kiss guys on first dates anymore.”

There are, however, a few critics who worry about the wisdom of this policy, but Dr. Fauci quickly dismissed their concerns. “Public nudity may be a bit indecent, but as far as I can tell, nobody’s ever caught Covid from staring at boobs, butts, vaginas, and penises! I’d much rather these people cover up their mouth and nose than their private parts!”

UPDATE: Great news! Since the nudity deal was announced, Covid-19 rates have plummeted. In unrelated news, the prevalence of all sexually-transmitted infections has skyrocketed to 100% amongst twentysomethings.

ATLANTA, GA—Frustrated that no one is listening to their Covid-19 recommendations, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) announced today that it had no choice but to kick the American public out of its practice. Effective immediately, the CDC has terminated its 74-year relationship with U.S. citizens, citing irreconcilable differences.

“Why should we continue to offer vital, evidence-based recommendations when they just fall on deaf ears?” asked CDC Director Robert Redfield, who added that the preeminent public health institute will soon be relocating to New Zealand, a country that very quickly managed to eradicate the coronavirus. “We believe we’ll find clientele there who’ll actually listen to our sound suggestions.”

“I mean, really, anywhere would be better than here,” Dr. Redfield continued. “We told Americans to wear masks; they claimed masks would kill them. We recommended social distancing; they threw crowded Covid parties where the goal was to be the first to catch the virus! They’re animals—and we don’t want them to be our responsibility anymore.”

In a private letter to Americans, the CDC indicated that its decision was final. However, just like doctors who terminate patients from their practices, the CDC had an obligation to refer Americans to another public health institution. “Don’t worry, America. We’ve searched the world for a qualified replacement, and we’re thrilled to announce that we’ve procured the services of a well-respected organization: the North Korean Public Health Agency, headed by the world-renowned infectious diseases expert, Dr. Kim Jong Un.”

“Whatever,” was the consensus response from U.S. citizens, who were too busy partying inside packed bars to care.

Some commented that CDC leadership has been severely lacking during the Covid pandemic. “I assumed they’d already left the country,” said one local physician.

Still others were quite elated. “Well, I heard from a very reputable source in Pyongyang that there have been zero cases of Covid in North Korea, so sounds like this is a huge upgrade for us!” said an anonymous Twitter user.

At press time, freedom-loving Americans breathed a sigh of relief when the North Korean Public Health Agency informed them that they would not be required to wear drab, suffocating masks. Instead, they were all given bright and shiny new uniforms: orange jumpsuits and chains.