Sacramento, CA – Dr. Atul, a general surgeon, who evidently graduated from medical school thinks he can actually start a surgical case a 3pm! What an idiot!!!

Dr. Atul, who passed his surgical boards, was seen at the control desk at 3:17pm asking why his patient was not in the OR. “My case was scheduled 17 minutes ago!” he was overheard sounding frustrated at the charge nurse.

Dr. Atul, who is normally well-liked and friendly to all the OR staff, even Anesthesia, is totally baffled that ORs around the country completely shut down from 2:40 to 3:30. No way will nurses start a case after 2:30pm because the paperwork takes almost a half hour to complete and shift change is at 3.

Dr. Atul, bless your heart.

Los Angeles, CA – After gradually wedging their way into the hearts and minds of healthcare professionals across the US and the world, Figs has been made DNR. The brand known for their form-fitting, over-priced, low-quality scrubs promoted by Instagram influencers/medical students has finally tripped over their own overpriced, designer shoes. 

Prior to today, Figs had made a market for themselves by sending a free pair of their shitty scrubs to medical students, nurses, PA’s and other healthcare professionals in exchange for copious posts artificially inflating the quality and comfort of the scrubs. 

That all changed when Figs posted a video advertising a pair of $46 scrub pants with a woman wearing a badge that read “DO” on it attempting to read a book entitled “Medical Terminology for Dummies” while holding the book upside down. And the idiots at Figs actually thought this could help sell scrubs!!!

Female Physicians, especially DO’s and those who support them immediately launched an all-out assault on the company via social media messages and emails. Many promised to boycott the scrubs, many had already decided to stop buying the scrubs before this, likely due in part to the strange stank they emanate that is usually blamed on the unnecessary antimicrobial additives. 

We asked Cedars Sinai DO physician and hospitalist, Hanna Rocky what she thought of Figs. “I bought a pair once but they were too form fitting. Clearly better designed for posing for Instagram than for any actual work in a hospital. Plus, I can’t wear them in the OR and good lord they have a funky smell” Dr. Rocky told Gomerblog. 

Gomerblog asked Figs co-founder and med-school dropout Heather Hassan for a comment on this fuck-up and she told us, “Let’s be honest, no self-respecting physician was wearing Figs anyway. They’re completely not functional, not really antimicrobial and they smell like ass. Our target market is the people who want to wear scrubs in public so other people THINK they’re doctors and nurses, not actual doctors.” 

Shortly after hearing these comments, Dr. Rocky made a chart entry in the EMR under Figs’ account making the brand DNR saying “we should have let them fade off when we recognized the smell. Now, they’ve crossed over to the realm of being un-savable along with 5^th Harmony and the Minnesota Vikings.”

The time is 1859 and pagers throughout the ICU begin to chirp. It’s time: Tube O’clock. This simple and easy protocol was designed to ensure each patient is tubed NO SOONER than five minutes before death or one hour after end of Nursing shift. All pending intubations will now take place at 0700 & 1900:

– 1900: Intern to approach nurse beginning shift report and state, “We are intubating patient right now”. Should nurse have questions, redirect to resident.

– 1903: Resident to answer on 8th call from nurse. Redirect nurse to Fellow should nurse have questions.

– 1904: Fellow to answer nurse’s call and immediately ask why Respiratory isn’t in room. Nurse may have questions about which meds to draw up or if you’re in the patient’s room. Give your first round of orders now, while briskly walking away from patient’s room and out of plain sight.

High Yield: Make sure you have a second round of orders to give when the team is gowned and in patient’s room.

– 1920: For fun, try intubating patient in ascending order of provider experience.

High Yield: Time is on your side!

– 1945: Page anesthesia overhead

– 1950: Patient intubated by anesthesia. Promptly depart to opposite side of unit; DO NOT replace your depleted phone battery until you have located graham crackers & peanut butter as your reward.

– 2000: Code 7/19 Complete! Make sure to ask the nurse you’ve been working with all day if he’s on Nights now, while he furiously charts said Code 7/19.

– 2001: Mentally prepare to be uninvited from next week’s potluck and for multiple pages requesting Tylenol orders.

Austin, TX –  In the past several months while the country has been undersiege from the Coronavirus, numerous political and professional groups have taken full advantage of the crisis to promote their own agendas. 

The American Association of Nurse Practitioners has been at the forefront of this pushing for unsupervised NP practice in an unsubstantiated claim that it will improve patient care and access to care ignoring the massive RN shortage caused in large part by the near cottage-industry that the online NP marketplace has become. 

AANP President, Sophia Thomas DNP, APRN, FNP, PPCNP, FNAP, FAANP, BSN, GED, BLS, BFD, OPP, EIEI-O today announced a new move to further exploit this crisis. “Many NP programs are entirely online and have been so even before the lockdown. The paltry requirement of 500 hours of clinicals for most schools is laughable at best. Even Petco requires more hours of hands on experience for their dog groomers (600hrs) before they can work independently. So I decided lets cut the charade and just eliminate the 500 hours altogether” Thomas decried from her personal MySpace page. 

“We can make tremendous gains under the guise of COVID relief. Then after the crisis is open, NPs all over the US will be able to practice at the top of their licenses and provide esthetic care unsupervised to the underserved and wrinkled people across America” Thomas continued. 

When asked if she had any concerns about the ability of NPs with 0 clinical hours, Thomas was undeterred, “We’ve been sending NPs out in independent practice with 5% of the training of actual residency trained physicians. How much of a difference does it really make if they have 95% less training or 100% less training than real physicians?” 

QUEENS, NY – In one of the best examples in recent memory of medical self-ownership, a proactive patient not only sought medical attention but also did his own admission orders and H&P when it turned out his concerns warranted further work-up.

“I can’t always expect someone to hold my hand through everything in life, including when medical issues pop up,” explained Max Adderley, who states he’s noticed his stool turning black since yesterday.  “I realized I needed to take ownership of my own health, to advocate for myself.”

Health care professionals always applaud patients who taken ownership of their own health, in the form of regular checkups, being compliant with medications or therapies, and seeking evaluation for any acute issues sooner than rather than later.  However, to actually to do one’s own admission, that’s next-level thinking. 

“Adderley is one gold standard patient, he insisted that I take it easy, that he would do all the orders and notes, he even told the nurse that he’d put in his own IV and he did,” explained hospitalist Tanya Smith.  “I even double checked his owners, everything was on point: he’s NPO, started on a PPI, he’s ordered for serial hemoglobin levels, he even consulted GI.  The best part?  He ordered only Tylenol for pain.”

Denver, CO – AORN President Missi Merlino, MHA, CNOR, CSSM, BFD, WTF, OPP, GED announced a new recommendation this week. 

“Based on zero evidence whatsoever, AORN has determined that Surgeon happiness is a risk factor for surgical site infection. We used our standard investigative techniques including asking random people what they think and ignoring actual scientific studies in coming to this recommendation.” RN Merlino stated. 

“We have found that surgeon happiness correlates directly with infections. The amazing part is we came to this finding without ever actually seeing any patients before or after their surgery. We don’t have the foggiest idea what a surgical site infection looks like, but we now mandate surgeons be forbidden from singing or smiling in the OR in the name of patient safety.”

As with standard AORN recommendations, this recommendation will be universally enacted in OR’s across the country where it will stay in place until several well-done studies counter the findings at which time the recommendations will slowly be peeled back. 

“The Joint Commission likes to think they have the exclusive rights to making arbitrary rules without any supporting evidence. We’re just trying to make sure the world knows that we are just as good at creating illogical standards as TJC.” Merlino boasted. 

Local veteran OR Nurse Krankee Pantalones supports the AORN recommendation, “I’ve seen a lot of infections in my day, I’ve never diagnosed one or followed a single patient’s post-operative course after they’ve reached the PACU but I’ve seen surgeons washout some infections. They’re never happy when they are washing out an infection. They know surgeon happiness causes infections even if they won’t admit it.”

Orthopaedic Surgeon Cyrius Mauffrus was furious at the recommendation, “They can’t just make up bullshit that completely forces us to change everything we do based on zero evidence because some crotchety old nurse in a tower had a shitty idea pop into her fat head. Well they apparently can, but they shouldn’t! This is just as dumb as their rulings on wearing coats in the OR and certain types of headcovers!”

When asked if she thought actual scientific research would support her recommendation, RN Merlino was non-committal, “The research should support this recommendation because it’s an AORN best practice recommendation. If the research doesn’t support out recommendations, perhaps the research is faulty and needs to be re-evaluated.”

ATLANTA, GA – Based on recent review of the available evidence, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) strongly recommends inhaling Lysol before and after every encounter with a patient with suspected or confirmed COVID-19.

In a matter of months, the pandemic coronavirus has infected millions and killed tens of thousands worldwide. While the race is on to discover effective treatments and a vaccine, what largely guides current treatment paradigms is anecdotal at best. The rapid depletion of personal protective equipment including masks has led the CDC to brainstorm creative ways to stay safe.

“Look, if you’re one of the few lucky Americans that has access to a can of Lysol, I am imploring you to donate it to the front line [healthcare workers],” begged Director of the CDC Robert R. Redfield. “If it’s true that it ‘kills 99.9% of viruses & bacteria’ like it says on the label, then it can’t hurt to take a few puffs of Lysol before and after you evaluate each patient.” The CDC recommends using the Lysol like an albuterol inhaler. “With PPE nonexistent now, Lysoling our lungs is our safest bet.”

Pulmonologists worry about the unintended consequences of inhaled Lysol use, already dubbing these future conditions Lysol lung.

“Under normal circumstances, I would recommend against it, that there’s more risk than benefit,” said Emory University pulmonologist Dr. Gigi Ocoeur, before taking 4 puffs of Citrus Meadows scent Lysol. “But we’re in a pandemic now and anything goes.”

A national shortage of personal protective equipment or PPE is forcing nurses to get creative.

“I’m so happy to live in a country where supplies to make my own PPE are readily available!” nurse Shannon told her admin Thursday. “It was so easy. I went to Wal-Mart and bought myself a sewing machine. Then I ordered allergy-filter vacuum bags from Amazon Prime, cut them up, and sewed them to fabric I bought from Hobby Lobby. Grabbed some elastic bands and I had myself some PPE!”

She went on to say excitedly, “I can’t imagine another country where I could make my own mask, and get all the materials in 1 day. What a great country!” Shannon was so excited that anything she needed to make her own masks, besides the mask itself, is readily available.

Administration is also chipping in on the project. “We plan to let all nurses off after a 12-hour shift 5 minutes early so that can go home and sew,” Dan Eckbauch told reporters from his home far away from the dangers of the hospital.

“Until nurses can make their own PPE we still expect them to come to work with bandannas or scarves.”

FORT MYERS, FL – Deconditioned, weak, and perpetually hypoglycemic from such a prolonged hospital shift, exhausted RN Catherine Weal will be sent home with home health services.

“It was her sixth straight 12-hour shift, and we all know that 12 hours is a best-case scenario especially around the holidays,” explained sympathetic social worker Jason Grimes, who helped with Weal’s home health arrangements. “Her patient load was unbearable, and they were all really sick. That stage 3 sacral decubitus ulcer from charting all day looks bad. Her feet are all swollen from running around all day. She was barely able to walk by the end of her last shift.”

Nurse Weal was evaluated by both PT and OT, who recommended subacute rehabilitation, but Weal respectfully declined and stated her preference to go home. Grimes helped Weal get set up with home health nursing, physical therapy (PT), occupational therapy (OT), an aide, and wound care. A rolling walker, 3-in-1 commode, and hospital bed have already been delivered.

“I understand that I could make a faster recovery at rehab, but it’s just not the same as being at home, I just really want to go home,” revealed Weal, who has spent her 15-minute break lying prostrate on the floor. She misses seeing the sun, but misses her bed even more. “If I could just get a little help at home, I think I might be alright.”

Weal did meet with Palliative Care. Palliative Care did not feel she met criteria for inpatient hospice just yet. Even if she did, Weal wasn’t ready to throw in the towel.

“I’m so tired, I don’t have the strength to lift a towel let alone throw one,” explained Weal, her fellow nurses helping turn her onto her back. She is still lying on the ground. All the lifting, shifting, and repositioning of patients has drained her; the fuel tank is empty. “I may not be going to hospice, but if anyone asks, I am a DNR.”