NEW YORK, NY—Not wanting to get caught with egg on their faces or poop in their hands, maternity wards throughout New York City have started stockpiling billions of diapers in preparation for the expected onslaught of pandemic babies later this year and into early 2021.

“We don’t want to be in a similar situation that our Intensive Care Units faced when they had a severe shortage of ventilators,” said Dr. Pam Purze, Chair of the Ob/Gyn Department at Manhattan Medical Center. “Just as ventilators are vital to support failing lungs in the ICU, diapers are equally vital to support failing anal sphincters in the maternity ward. And I’m not only talking about the babies—some moms too!”

In addition to diapers, obstetrics departments fear a potential shortage of other essential supplies, including pacifiers, swaddle blankets, and butt cream. “On top of that, all of these babies are gonna be hungry! Thankfully, the government has heard our desperate pleas and has already started stockpiling breast milk and wet nurses, which they’ll be able to distribute as soon as they’re needed,” said Dr. Purze.

Some within the obstetrics field, however, consider all of this a big waste of time and money. “We’re just not seeing any uptick in pregnancies,” said Brooklyn obstetrician, Dr. Dee Pence, speculating that perhaps being stuck inside a tiny, cramped New York City apartment 24/7 for months at a time just isn’t a great recipe for intercourse and conception. Come to think of it, we should probably be preparing for millions of pandemic divorces instead!”

Others point out that it’s just not practical to make babies when 6 feet apart from each other. “I may have super sperm,” said one local man, “but my aim isn’t that good!”

But Dr. Purze downplays the concern, claiming that pregnant women are just too scared to come to the office right now. “Trust me, everyone’s getting pregnant. Any animosity between partners is easily overcome by the tons of alcohol and drugs they are consuming!”

At press time, hospital engineers were busy trying to determine if diapers could be washed and reused or if one diaper could be modified for use on multiple babies simultaneously.

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—The line outside the new Ben & Jerry’s Women’s Health Clinic extended for at least 3 miles as people waited for the clinic to open its doors for the first time earlier today. The long line may have been, in part, due to a special promotion—Free Cone Biopsy Day—to mark this special occasion. Indeed, all female customers get a free cone-shaped biopsy of their cervix today.

Normally, a pelvic exam, Pap smear, and, if needed, a colposcopy are performed first in the evaluation of the cervix. “But in honor of opening day,” said an enthusiastic Ben, “we’re skipping right to the cone biopsy. All ages are welcome, and a medical indication is not necessary. We don’t even care if you’re knocked up. If you have a cervix, we’ll cone biopsy it.”

Customers may get as many cone biopsies as they desire provided they’re willing to wait in line over and over again. “I really wanna try out all the cone biopsy instruments they have,” said Elaine Perez, who eagerly returned to the back of the line after her first biopsy. “This time, they used the regular cone biopsy excisor. Next, I wanna have them try their new glucose-coated excisor, also known as a sugar cone biopsy excisor. After that, I gotta try the waffle cone excisor too!” We’ll spare you the details of that last one…you’re welcome!

Lest they be sued for discrimination, the women’s health clinic eventually opened up the line to men as well after noting significant interest from the male gender. “I heard they were handing out free stuff,” said a jubilant Roy Peters, “so I just had to come down and see what I could get.” An hour later, he was markedly less jubilant after scoring a free cone biopsy of his prostate, performed transrectally.

The new clinic also boasts an eatery, called The Cafe Au Lait Spot, which of course serves Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. New flavors to celebrate the opening of the women’s health clinic include: Chocolate Cyst Cookie Dough, Cherry Angioma Garcia, Strawberry Tongue Cheesecake, Chunky Monkeypox and Breastmilk & Cookies. “The chocolate cyst cookie dough is outrageous,” said the cafe manager, N. Dmitry Omah. “All the ingredients are freshly harvested in-house, which makes it taste so fresh.”

So, come get your free cone biopsy today, and then top it off with one of the delicious new ice cream flavors. And if you can’t make it down today, don’t worry—organizers plan on making this an annual event.

ATLANTA, GA – The novel coronavirus hasn’t even peaked and emergency room personnel are already overwhelmed. In an act of goodwill, everyone is pitching in, including area OB-GYNs. Unfortunately, they’re doing it all wrong: they’re swabbing vaginas for COVID-19.

According to current guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention recommends collecting and testing upper respiratory specimens i.e. nasopharyngeal swab.

“It’s hard to break habits I guess, I’m not used to being around the head and neck area,” said OB/GYN Dr. Ella Jarrett of Atlanta Medical Center, who swabbed 9 vaginas before she realized the error in her ways. “Once I got the swab, I was immediately performing pelvics and swabbing the cervix. The good news is the patient is negative for COVID-19. The bad news is she has a rip-roaring case of bacterial vaginosis.”

“I was curious why I was being put into stirrups,” said 34-year-old male patient Jeffrey Watts, who presented with fevers, sore throat, cough, shortness of breath, and myalgias. He denied any vaginal discharge. “No worries, I spoke up and ultimately they swabbed my throat and not anything… down there.” Watts tested positive for influenza A; COVID-19 was negative.

In other news, gastroenterologists have been reminded to stop swabbing patients’ rectums for COVID-19.

The Double FOB: who has two women on the floor pregnant at the same time

The Lurker: TOLAC with a four-page birth plan who wants to labor at home

The Mystery: A patient who speaks a language for which there is no interpreter

The Threat: FOB escorted out by security

The Mule: Illicit drugs found in body cavity

The Cheating Bisexual: a patient with sperm in the vagina on microscopic rule-out rupture exam who comes in with her same-sex partner

The Guilty Party: fighting with FOB about who’s responsible for a new STI diagnosis in triage

The Mama Mia: someone in labor with two (or more) potential FOBs in the room

The Bingo: positive for 4 or more STIs

The Baby: pregnant younger than age 16

The Surprise: a patient who consents for themselves and the next day their legal guardian shows up

The Exhibitionist: caught having intercourse in hospital room

The Explorer: foreign object removed from vagina

The Nudist: refuses to wear clothes while in labor

The Paparazzi: ignores hospital “no photos of the vagina” policy

The Hotel Guest: patient leaves the floor for hours every day

The Optimist: always shows up to triage with luggage

The Overly Familiar: refers to physicians by first names despite requests not to

The Favorite: brings food for the staff

The Model: shows up for induction/c-section with false eyelashes

The Sugar Mama: gestational diabetic who shows up with large regular soda

The Misandrist: refuses to have any male staff

The Researcher: someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of preeclampsia with normal labs and blood pressures

The Scheduler: shows up on their due date in triage…because it is their due date

The Shopper: has gotten prenatal care at 2 or more hospitals

The Hippie: demands to lotus birth despite being against hospital policy

The Sword of Damocles: five or more prior c-sections and spotty prenatal care

WASHINGTON, D.C. – How can you tell if your OB/GYN is cool? Well, the coolest OB/GYNs perform pelvic examinations with the use of head mirrors, this according to an official report from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

Other than the stethoscope, the head mirror is the medical instrument most often affiliated with doctors, particularly in cartoons and caricatures, though its use in modern medicine has steadily declined, at least among general practitioners.

“It takes considerable skill to perform an appropriate pelvic exam and it takes considerable skill to master the head mirror,” explained gynecologist Dr. Sharin Wagner, who makes it a point to teach others how to use a head mirror with female patients in stirrups. “We tell our medical students and residents that if they can do both, then there isn’t anything they can’t handle. We even push them to the extreme by asking them to put a penlight in their mouth and use that to illuminate the vagina.”

The head mirror is traditionally associated with otolaryngologists, as the device was used primarily to better indirectly illuminate the ears, nose, and throat. The concave mirror has a central hole through which the physician can see. A headband means it is easy to wear. And unlike fiberoptic headlights, a head mirror is portable and stylish. As a result, in the past few years OB/GYNs have asked the question, why can’t head mirrors be used to illuminate other human cavities like the vagina?

“When I see my OB/GYN using a regular light or even their smart phone to light up my vagina, I think, ‘Not cool,'” said patient Veronica Faulkner, who admits she has a pelvis. “But when I see my OB/GYN use a head mirror, I think, ‘Wow, so awesome, what a true badass, go ahead and do your business!'”

BOCA RATON, FL—“Push, push, push!” yelled the hospital staff at a patient who was intensely laboring. But surprisingly, this scene was not taking place in the Labor & Delivery ward, and even more shocking, the patient was a man. How can that be, you wonder? It turns out this man was among the first patients who checked into the brand new Paternity Ward at Boca Health Center, and he was currently parked in front of the ward’s gorgeous poker table, “laboring” over whether to follow the staff’s recommendation to “push” his chips all in.

That’s right, the hospital that previously introduced the geriatric maternity ward now has a sparkling new paternity ward, where expectant fathers can go to relax while their female partners are in labor. The days of men’s needs being neglected by hospital staff during the chaotic time of labor and delivery are finally over. After a 9-month-long, multi-billion-dollar renovation of the abandoned women’s health clinic, the paternity ward opened last month to much fanfare.

“Prior to last month,” explained hospital CEO Duncan Reeves, “new dads always complained about how hard the labor & delivery process was for them. I understand—cause I’m a dad too—how stressful it is to be with your wife for hours and hours of labor—missing work, listening to her constantly kvetch about the pain, and watching the staff give all its attention to your wife as if you’re not even there. Then the delivery itself—geez, can you give a guy a drink before making him watch that horror show? And after baby arrives, all anyone asks is ‘How are mommy & baby doing?’ Well, what about daddy…WHAT ABOUT DADDY?”

Well, the new Paternity Ward is all about daddies. Here’s an excerpt from its promotional brochure: “When wifey’s in labor, get in that car and have her drive you to the hospital pronto! After she drops you off, we’ll whisk you away to Paternity. Settle into your large private suite, and then explore the unit with the other dads there. You’ll find amazing amenities including: 5 sports bars, an award-winning steakhouse, a full casino, nightly adult entertainment, glorious massage chairs (Press the ‘Pitocin Boost’ button for a more intense massage experience) and a free pharmacy (help yourself to much-needed analgesics and anxiolytics).

“Then chill out on our C-(shaped)-sectional sofas and watch a live stream of your baby being born in the comfort of our stress-free, state-of-the-art TV lounge, surrounded by your new bros. Did we mention the TVs are 3D? (“It looks like the baby flies out right at you!” said one exhilarated and inebriated dad). You can even play Fantasy Labor & Delivery with the other guys, scoring points based on your wife’s performance (major points if she can gut it out without an epidural).”

The new unit, unsurprisingly, is getting rave reviews. “Best of all, while Maternity only gives women 48 hours, the Paternity Ward never kicks you out,” said new dad, Kevin Conway, as he puffed on a Cuban cigar and rolled a hard 8 on the craps table to the delight of the other dads, before adding that his wife and baby actually went home 3 weeks ago. “I haven’t even met the baby yet!”

EVANSTON, IL—In one more push to offer fresh amenities to their patients, Labor and Delivery units are now employing Social Media Doulas to assist in the delivery of real-time birthing posts. Chelsea Malcolm, OB nurse administrator at St. Isidore Hospital, says the skills of the Social Media Doula allow new parents to focus on getting to know their baby while ensuring that their entire social network can, too.

Since they began offering the benefit earlier this year, Social Media Doulas at St. Isidore have created over 300 posts, including four Facebook Live events, for a pilot group of two dozen L&D patients.

Social Media Doula Micaela Green guarantees her posts will generate likes, comments, and shares. “I captured a crowning Boomerang video last week that went viral on all the mommy blogs,” Ms. Green noted cheerfully. As of press time, the video had over 100,000 views on YouTube. When asked for comment, Vanessa Burren, the mother in the viral video, said, “They told me I couldn’t use my selfie stick because it was in the doctor’s way. I’m really glad Micaela was there to preserve the moment by getting it online immediately. She even came up with our birthing hashtag: #burrenbabyburren.”

Those concerned with their appearance while giving birth may delegate their worries to the doula. “Rest assured that the Social Media Doulas on staff are trained in flattering lighting and portrait angles,” Ms. Malcolm said. “You may not feel your best after labor, but you can look your best.” According to Ms. Malcolm, the doulas also perform light makeup retouching and hair styling, as well as any necessary garment adjustments.

The Social Media Doulas are part of St. Isidore’s burgeoning post-natal care team which also includes an in-house newborn photographer, lactation consultants, early childhood education coordinators, baby masseurs, and personal shoppers with expertise in infant gadgetry.

Patients interested in the services of the Social Media Doula simply need to include their usernames and passwords in their birth plan. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Snapchat, and YouTube are included amongst the variety of supported platforms according to the St. Isidore Labor and Delivery Perks web page. Expectant parents are advised that peak social media browsing time is midmorning on weekdays and should plan delivery accordingly.

PHILADELPHIA, PA: Orthopedic surgery resident Rob Abington was recently recognized by the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons for performing the first open reduction with internal fixation of a uterus.

The patient was a 76-year-old woman who had undergone surgical repair of a broken hip earlier in the day. While on call, Abington received a page from the patient’s nurse because the patient was complaining of pelvic discomfort. “Since I’ve always been comfortable with pelvises, if you know what I mean, I thought that all this lady needed was some reassurance,” Abington recounts.

Upon arrival to the patient’s room, Abington discovered that the issue wasn’t related to the recent procedure. Instead, Abington recalls, “the patient told me that her pessary fell out, but all I could think was “what the hell is a pessary.”

“If I was going to reassure the patient that everything was fine, I knew I had to do it confidently,” Abington said. Abington confided that he pretended to get a page so he could leave the room to google what I pessary was. “I learned that it was a device used to prevent uterine prolapse,” Abington noted. “So I went back into the patient’s room to check if I needed to consult OB/GYN.”

Abington indeed found that the patient’s uterus had prolapsed, and that it was causing the patient significant discomfort.

“I thought that OB/GYN should probably see it, but I also thought to hell with it, I’m a doctor. Right?”” Abington noted. “So I just kept my confidence and got down to business, and…POW!” Abington exclaimed as he threw an uppercut into the air. “I put that baby right back where it belongs!”

As for the pessary, Abington said that he also put that back in place. “I was concerned about losing reduction because the patient noted a history of dislocations, so I tossed that bad boy in there, too,” Abington recounted as he mimed throwing a frisbee.

Abingoton said that he reported his procedure to his co-residents and attending during sign-out the next morning. “I thought my attending would commend my enterprising actions,” Abington noted, “but all he did was ask why I didn’t include his name on the communication note – he was upset that he couldn’t bill for the procedure.”

BOCA RATON, FL—The proliferation of new fertility treatments, including in-vitro fertilization, and the decision by many women to delay parenthood in order to pursue professional careers has led to a phenomenon never thought possible in generations past: Women are becoming pregnant at very advanced ages—even 35 and above! Obstetricians, who were trained to treat only young women, have recognized this situation as a global dilemma. However, one particular hospital, Boca Health Center (BHC), has a promising solution: Last week, it opened a brand new geriatric maternity ward geared towards mothers over 35 years old.

Al Zimer, an obstetrician at BHC, said, “It’s about time! I’ve been lobbying for an elderly maternity ward for years. When I trained at BHC in the 1970s, the average age for a pregnant woman was 25, now it’s 38! These old moms need different care than young ones—it’s just common sense.”

Dr. Zimer is also the proud director of the nation’s first geriatric obstetrics fellowship program for obstetricians who want to specialize in the care of these grey-haired moms. “Most OBs,” said Zimer, “are proficient in treating young, fertile women; they have no clue how to treat these old geezers.”

So far the new Geriatric Maternity ward has received rave reviews. The whole experience is designed to cater to the needs of both baby and mommy. Examples of the amenities and innovations include:

1. Rooms are stocked with Huggies for baby & Depends for mommy

2. Closets are filled with formula for baby & Ensure for mommy

3. Baby gets injected with Hepatitis B vaccine & mommy with Botox for wrinkles

4. Baby is fed q3hrs & mommy is fed dinner at 3pm

5. Baby is fitted with an ankle bracelet that alarms if taken off the unit & mommy with a Life Alert bracelet that alarms if she falls and can’t get up

6. Baby is transported via stroller & mom via wheelchair or walker

7. Since neither likely have any teeth, baby sucks milk from nipple & mom is given free dentures

8. At night for a peaceful rest, baby goes to the nursery, and mom to a nursing home

9. At time of delivery, baby immediately undergoes APGAR testing & mom a Mini-Mental State Exam

Another bonus of the ward is that the staff helps old moms get longer maternity leave from their jobs. Gerry Syke, a case manager on the new ward, said, “I’m so good at getting bosses to extend maternity leave indefinitely for these women. I mean, these old fogeys are so close to retirement anyway—why even return to work?

“After all,” she added, “they should probably spend their limited time remaining on Earth with their babies.”

GomerBlog returns to help distinguish between two similar but often confused entities.

The “G” in G-tube refers to “gastric” or “gastrostomy.” A G-tube is a type of feeding tube in which a tube is inserted through the abdominal wall directly into the stomach so that nutrition can be provided. The G-spot should not be reached by going through the abdominal wall.

The “G” in G-spot does not refer to “gastric” or gastrostomy.” Instead, it refers to the last name of Ernst Grafenberg, the German gynecologist who found it. Some argue the “G” also stands for “Germany” and “gynecology,” but this hasn’t been verified. The G-spot is an erogenous area of the anterior wall of the vagina.

A G-tube can be placed endoscopically by gastroenterologists, radiographically by interventional radiologists, and surgically by general surgeons. In the event it is done by interventional radiology, be sure the patient’s INR is less than 0.

The G-spot should not be approached endoscopically, radiographically, or surgically. However, if consent has been obtained to approach the G-spot, be sure the vagina’s INR is less than 0.

A G-tube should never be placed into the G-spot.

It is appropriate to flush both a G-tube and the G-spot with 30 ml of water every 4 hours. If a G-tube gets clogged, attempt flushing with warm water. Sometimes soda can work, though this isn’t evidence-based. If the G-spot is clogged, it is best to speak with a gynecologist who can come to bedside to flush it with warm water and soda.

Finally, a G-tube has not been shown to reduce the incidence of aspiration pneumonia, whereas the G-spot has been shown to reduce the incidence of aspiration vaginitis.