NEW YORK, NY—Not wanting to get caught with egg on their faces or poop in their hands, maternity wards throughout New York City have started stockpiling billions of diapers in preparation for the expected onslaught of pandemic babies later this year and into early 2021.

“We don’t want to be in a similar situation that our Intensive Care Units faced when they had a severe shortage of ventilators,” said Dr. Pam Purze, Chair of the Ob/Gyn Department at Manhattan Medical Center. “Just as ventilators are vital to support failing lungs in the ICU, diapers are equally vital to support failing anal sphincters in the maternity ward. And I’m not only talking about the babies—some moms too!”

In addition to diapers, obstetrics departments fear a potential shortage of other essential supplies, including pacifiers, swaddle blankets, and butt cream. “On top of that, all of these babies are gonna be hungry! Thankfully, the government has heard our desperate pleas and has already started stockpiling breast milk and wet nurses, which they’ll be able to distribute as soon as they’re needed,” said Dr. Purze.

Some within the obstetrics field, however, consider all of this a big waste of time and money. “We’re just not seeing any uptick in pregnancies,” said Brooklyn obstetrician, Dr. Dee Pence, speculating that perhaps being stuck inside a tiny, cramped New York City apartment 24/7 for months at a time just isn’t a great recipe for intercourse and conception. Come to think of it, we should probably be preparing for millions of pandemic divorces instead!”

Others point out that it’s just not practical to make babies when 6 feet apart from each other. “I may have super sperm,” said one local man, “but my aim isn’t that good!”

But Dr. Purze downplays the concern, claiming that pregnant women are just too scared to come to the office right now. “Trust me, everyone’s getting pregnant. Any animosity between partners is easily overcome by the tons of alcohol and drugs they are consuming!”

At press time, hospital engineers were busy trying to determine if diapers could be washed and reused or if one diaper could be modified for use on multiple babies simultaneously.

CENTENNIAL, CO—Yesterday, a 1200-month-old newborn, Sandy Genarian, was finally discharged from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of Centennial Medical Center, where he has been hospitalized for the last century. Successfully weaned off the ventilator, Baby Sandy, who turned 100 last week, took his very first unassisted breath, leading the delighted medical staff to break out into thunderous applause.

Medical records from 1920 are unsurprisingly sparse, so no one at the hospital can say for sure what prompted Mr. Genarian’s prolonged NICU stay. The most commonly given answer is that after an initially complicated perinatal period, medical staff simply forgot about him.

“It was 1920,” said hospital CEO Len O’Stey, “and we didn’t have the support staff or advanced technologies that we have now, so it was probably really easy to lose track of patients. Then things happened—an economic depression, a few wars, the Sixties—and it’s easy to see how Baby Sandy could have been forgotten. Good thing we had machines to keep him alive all these years…even though he’s totally killing our length of stay numbers.”

Even current health care providers were oblivious to him. “I didn’t even realize he was a patient until a few weeks ago,” said Pediatrics resident, Dr. Bill Hind. “I just thought he was some old creep who liked hanging out in the NICU despite not having any of his own children here.”

Regardless of his past invisibility, Mr. Genarian recently became a local celebrity. NICU staff threw a festive going-away party for him, where he experienced his first taste of chocolate, smoked his first cigar, sipped his first cocktail, and even took his first steps!

However, the mood was dampened by the failure of his parents to show up. Despite the tireless efforts of the hospital’s social workers, countless attempts to reach his parents have disappointingly gone unanswered. “I would say it’s infuriating how his parents have all but forgotten him,” said social worker, Kay Smanger, “but honestly, it really just makes me sad. How can parents abandon their precious baby like that?”

Senior staff say that his parents used to visit regularly, but neither has had the decency to show up in almost 30 years. However, the man of the hour vowed not to let them ruin his special night. “Whatever,” said Baby Sandy, in his first words ever, “they’re dead to me now.”

UPDATE: GomerBlog received the following email from a reader regarding the above entry: “Dear GB, How could Baby Sandy have been on a ventilator in the NICU for a hundred years when neither mechanical ventilators nor NICUs existed 100 years ago?”

Our Response: While we completely stand by our reporting, you do correctly point out a few minor inaccuracies. We have no idea how this could’ve slipped past our prestigious team of fact checkers. Someone is SO getting fired for this…

GREENWICH, CT—Piggybacking off the successful concierge medicine practices that have sprung up over the last two decades, a local pediatrician, Dr. Willis Cornwallis, has founded a concierge pediatrics practice. Named PedsVIP, the business model is similar to its adult medicine counterpart in that patients pay a large annual retainer fee in return for more attention from the pediatrician.

The response from this affluent community has been overwhelmingly positive. “It’s about time a clinic that focuses only on the health of wealthy kids opened,” said Greenwich socialite, Ellie Tist, who rapidly enrolled her 3 children the minute PedsVIP opened its doors. “You wouldn’t believe the riff-raff that would come to their old pediatrician’s office, from what our nanny tells me at least. I, of course, never set foot in that god-forsaken place. There are kids who go to public school in that practice—can you imagine? Thankfully at PedsVIP, my kids won’t have to associate with those peasants anymore.”

That’s only one perk of this exciting, new practice. Most would say that being able to contact the pediatrician 24 hours a day on his personal cell phone is the best part. Dr. Cornwallis says he doesn’t mind the constant flurry of texts and calls in the wee hours of the night. “At 3am last night, a panicked dad whose wife was out of town called me because his baby had an up-the-back poopy explosion. I went over there, and yeah, I wiped that baby’s butt and gave him a bath. Did I mind? Of course not—that family pays me $5 million a year! I’d wipe the dad’s butt too if he asked!”

Dr. Cornwallis indicated that there has been very high demand from upper-class families to join his practice. “Although we prefer to limit our practice to between 75-100 patients,” said Dr. Cornwallis, “we would obviously never turn away any ailing child who comes from money. We’re not monsters!”

Critics, however, argue that providing medical care only for the wealthy is highly unethical, but Dr. Cornwallis dismisses these complaints as hogwash. “What about all those inner-city clinics that cater only to the poor?” he asked. “Are they unethical too?!”

With the early success of PedsVIP, Dr. Cornwallis has high hopes for the future. Next month, he plans to roll out his PedsVIP limousine service to chauffeur patients to and from his office. Of course, automobile travel is less than ideal for his clientele, so he is aiming to offer a private jet service as well, just as soon as he converts the adjacent soup kitchen he purchased into a mini-airport.

Long-term, his dream is to open similar franchises in snobby towns all across America and build a multi-billion dollar PedsVIP Hospital that, while shuttered most of the time, immediately springs into action when a well-off kid becomes unwell.

San Francisco, CA – Jenny McCarthy has been an idiot and an anti-vaxxer for most of her adult life. Going so far as to blame the autism that her son doesn’t have on vaccines.

When asked if she would consider an intervention to prevent any future children from developing autism, McCarthy immediately said she would in a heartbeat… until she learned it was in the form of a vaccination.

“There is no way I would give my kid a vaccine to prevent autism! Thats how my first kid didn’t get autism in the first place!” McCarthy ranted. McCarthy’s son has Landau-Kleffner Syndrome, not autism, a fact that has failed to dissuade the former playmate turned MTV host turned ranting idiot from her ongoing war to bring back polio, measles, pertussis and several other once eliminated causes of childhood death.

“If there is a vaccine that big pharma claims will prevent autism, its probably a super double secret way to give even more kids autism so they can sell more medications to treat autism because they’re all a part of big autism! I’d much rather raise my kid’s naturally and unvaccinated so they can live to a natural death at 35 like nature intended!”

CHEVY CHASE, MD—Shameless. Ballsy. Chutzpah. These are some of the words being used to describe a family that had the audacity to sit in the “Well” section of a local pediatric office’s waiting room despite clearly being sick.

As several traumatized witnesses describe it, a mother barged into a Chevy Chase-based pediatrician’s office this morning with 2 incessantly coughing and sneezing toddlers in tow. Though these kids were covered head-to-toe in green, viscous snot and phlegm, the mother quickly surveyed the even ickier state of affairs over in the “Unwell” section and then defiantly directed her contaminated children towards the glistening, aseptic chairs in the “Well” section.

The daring mother, fully aware she was committing a crime of epic proportions, hastily sat down and stared straight ahead pretending to read the “Patient Bill of Rights” poster on the wall and refusing to make eye contact with any of the other parents in the room.

Well, let’s just say the well occupants (the Wells) of the well section did not take it very well. At first, they resorted to simple tactics like evil death stares and passive-aggressive comments to make it clear to the infectious intruders that they were unwelcome.

When that didn’t work, the Wells sprang into action: One father frantically sprayed air freshener every time the sick kids coughed or sneezed. One mother slathered an entire Costco-size bottle of antibacterial gel all over her baby. Another pulled her son in close, protectively hugging him in her bosom to shield him from the germs; after all, she wouldn’t want her 12-year-old to catch anything during his annual checkup.

But still the fearless woman wouldn’t take a hint, and she and her tainted toddlers remained perched in their well seats. This meant war—a battle of wills (or “Wells”, if you will). The Wells banded together, put all their well children in Level A Hazmat suits—yes, they all carried Hazmat suits in their bags, because of course—and then they called the police.

Within minutes, dozens of cops, SWAT team members, FBI agents, Navy SEALs and CDC bioterrorism experts descended onto the scene. But despite the impressive display of force, the intrepid woman continued staring straight ahead, now seemingly engrossed in a HIPAA placard on the wall. The agents finally just shrugged their shoulders and left.

Desperate, one courageous well mother then tried something unconventional. She marched over to the woman and politely asked, “Can you please move over to the Unwell section?”

“Sure,” said the woman, “no problem at all.” She then gathered her snotty kids and together, they stepped over a line of red tape on the floor that separated the Well and Unwell sections and sat down one seat over from their old one. With a collective sigh of relief, the Wells finally relaxed, knowing they were safe at last, protected from the germs by an impenetrable line of tape.

ORLANDO, FL—Bobby Kidman, an elderly man admitted to the hospital today with a suspected myocardial infarction bizarrely rejected a cardiology consultation and instead requested only a pediatrics one, because, really, he’s just a kid at heart.

Dr. Mallory Cartwright, the on-call pediatrician, was dumbfounded when she received what she called “the weirdest consultation I’ve ever had to do.” She said, “I’m a pediatrician! How am I supposed to treat an 82-year-old man with a heart attack? With balloons and lollipops?”

Well, yeah, something like that if Mr. Kidman gets his way.

Initially upon meeting the elderly Kidman, Dr. Cartwright offered him the best possible relevant medication in the pediatrician’s armamentarium: a “baby” aspirin. She then racked her brain, trying to recall how to treat an MI, a condition she hadn’t faced since medical school. “I think you need more antiplatelets, anticoagulants, lipid-lowering agents and a cardiac catheterization,” she hesitantly recommended.

But the “kid at heart” would have none of that. “This condition I have is the result of too much adult-type stress on my heart. It’s just a kid; all it needs is some childlike interventions, and it will be fine.”

So instead of calling cardiology, Dr. Cartwright consulted a clown. The clown brought him a few dozen Doc McStuffins stickers, a giant lollipop, an ice cream cone and a large latex animal balloon (the clown got the balloon to him in just under the 90-minute “door-to-balloon” recommendation), and Mr. Kidman quickly felt like a new man, er, boy.

But tests the next morning revealed that his heart had not yet fully recovered. So at the patient’s request, he was urgently transferred to another institution: Disney World. There, under the care of Dr. M. Mouse and his assistant Dr. D. Duck, he was prescribed a strict cardiac rehab program. This program, meant to de-stress his heart, consisted of twice-daily roller coaster rides and Tower of Terror freefall drops. Within days, Mr. Kidman’s heart was once again content.

After discharge from Disney World, all was well with Mr. Kidman until one week later when he developed a headache, one so severe that he went to the ER. But once there, he stubbornly rejected a neurology visit and instead requested only a veterinarian consult because, really, he is just so darn pig-headed.

WASHINGTON, DC—Mrs. Beaumont came home early one day last week and walked in on her 50-year-old husband sucking on the nipple of a gorgeous and engorged woman a quarter century younger than him. But instead of getting angry, she just smiled and latched on to the woman’s other breast. This was no kinky ménage-a-trois; the Beaumonts were just really, really hungry.

This exact scenario is playing out all across America, just weeks after Jerome Adams, the Surgeon General, shockingly advised a generation of Americans who were formula-fed as babies in the 1960s and 70s to immediately begin a year of exclusive breastfeeding. These citizens, now middle-aged, were born at a time when formula was king and thus missed out on the plethora of health benefits—including prevention of all sorts of illnesses—gained from nursing. Promisingly, a new study has concluded that it’s never too late to attain the health benefits from breastfeeding, leading to the new recommendations.

“Of course, we aren’t suggesting 45-year-old men and women should get nursed by their mommies,” continued Adams, before quickly apologizing for even mentioning such a disturbing mental image and offering to pay for vomit-cleanup bills.

More acceptable breastfeeding options include hiring lactation prostitutes (“pay-for-lait”), like the Beaumonts have done, hiring wet nurses (costlier than prostitutes) or being nursed by a female partner.

Melissa Milkman, who recently delivered twin boys, complained, “Between the twins and my husband, there’s not enough milk or boobs to go around. The three of them are always fighting for access. I need a 3rd one for sure!”

But it’s not just men who need the nutrients from breastmilk—formula-fed women need them too. Thus, many couples have been started on prolactin therapy so that they can produce enough milk for each other. One such couple called it “an intoxicating bonding experience like no other.”

Not everyone is pleased with this new policy, though. Because people searching for breastmilk have stopped going out to eat, restaurants are suffering; that is, except for Hooters, whose waitresses have been serving up their boobs for years.

Also not pleased are people unaffected by the new policy; they are nauseated by the public displays of lactation. Even Nestle, a company that once controversially marketed its formula as superior to breastmilk, has had enough, proclaiming, “Please, for the love of God, mothers of the world: Breastfeed your infants!! No more formula…just nurse your babies so we don’t have to relive this nightmare again in 50 years!”

“Down syndrome, or trisomy 21, is easy to identify: upslanting palpebral fissures, flattened midface, macroglossia, and low-set, posteriorly rotated ears. These children may also have abnormalities of the hands and feet, such as a single palmar crease.”

The first-year medical students of the Zhivago School of Medicine stopped browsing Facebook to look at their own hands and those of their neighbors, worried that they might carry a dysmorphism of unknown significance.

Dr. Lombardo continued. “Many common genetic conditions are not as easy to identify, however, and may only become obvious with age. Take, for example, Marfan syndrome – a mutation in the FBN1 gene on chromosome 15 causes the body’s connective tissues to weaken, leading to a typical appearance of a tall, thin body with chest wall deformities and joint laxity.” She pointed at Derek Cohen, a gangly young man with thick glasses. “You, in the maroon sweater! Yes, you. Stand up, will you?”

Derek hesitated but stood up. Dr. Lombardo smiled. “What good fortune, ladies and gentlemen – we have an excellent example of a Marfanoid habitus with us today! Look at this fellow’s unusually long limbs and obvious myopia; that’s a dislocated lens waiting to happen. I’d recommend you get an echocardiogram done before that aorta ruptures.” Derek sat down quickly, cheeks matching his sweater.

“Marfan patients also tend to have a characteristic facial appearance. This young woman in the front row could probably pass for a Marfan – note her long, narrow face and receding chin. This is called dolichocephaly.”

Over the course of the remaining 45 minutes, Dr. Lombardo struck fear and embarrassment into the hearts of several other students who possessed hypertelorism, synophrys, a flat occiput, and a carp-shaped mouth.

SEATTLE, WA—A Seattle-based vaping company has been forced into damage control amidst claims that its new e-cigarette targets newborns. The basis for the claims arises from the fact that the new e-cigarette is breastmilk-flavored and is being sold in vending machines in maternity wards and baby stores.

The vaping company, however, vehemently denies that it is targeting newborns. “The idea that we want precious little babies to smoke our product is ludicrous,” said company CEO Fletcher Walker. “Sure, our e-cigarette is designed perfectly for people without teeth because all you need to be able to do is suck and inhale, and thus babies would be perfect consumers for our product. But despite that, we are definitely not marketing it to them.”

When challenged about the curious decision to go with a breastmilk flavor, Walker countered, “Well we are quite clearly targeting men. Men love boobs and many men enjoy milk so of course they would love our breastmilk-flavored e-cig!”

Critics, however, say Walker is clearly lying he says the company is targeting adult males. And they have some evidence to back that claim up. They point to the product’s packaging, which contain vivid images of popular cartoon characters, including Doc McStuffins, Elmo and Daniel Tiger. They also point out that the vaping company recently purchased Pampers and has been inserting free packages of the breastmilk e-cigs in every box of Pampers diapers.

But perhaps the clearest sign that the vaping company targets newborns is its name: Nicotine Baby. But Walker sees no correlation: “The word ‘baby’ here is clearly meant as an interjection, as in ‘Nicotine, baby!’. The name clearly does not refer to a baby that’s addicted to nicotine.”

Parents though are very concerned. Said one alarmed mother, “Last week I was making dinner and when I turned around, my baby had gotten into the Pampers box, retrieved an e-cig and was sucking away on it! She was giggling and clearly enjoying the breastmilk flavor. Now when she craves milk, she pushes my boobs away and isn’t satisfied until I shove a Nicotine Baby e-cig in her mouth!”

Upon hearing of the above case, Walker said he and the whole Nicotine Baby family felt awful. But later that night, he signed the addicted baby to a multimillion-dollar deal to star in company ads—ads that absolutely, definitely, positively do not target newborns.

YUKON TERRITORY, CANADA – Dispatches from the frozen north today report that a group of 40 brave Med-Peds physicians have set out into the Yukon territory in search for fabled Med-Peds Hospitalist jobs.

For many years, local Inuit legend has told of a vast cache of Med-Peds Hospitalist jobs in the northern tundra of the Yukon territory. Such jobs, consisting of 50% Pediatric hospitalist work and 50% internal medicine hospitalist work allegedly have been spotted in northern Canada according to fur traders. While such jobs are extraordinarily rare in North America, it is the collective hopes of this brave group that a large enough job depot can be discovered to satiate the large demand of Med-Peds graduates in the United States.

“All Med Peds trainees dream of this day” says Patrick Murphy, M.D. the lead Med-Peds explorer for the expedition. “You are stalking a fabled Med-Peds hospitalist job in the Tundra of the artic circle. You have it lined up in your sights. You know that if you can shoot it, that finally a Meds-Peds hospitalist job will be yours. They said it was impossible back home, but who’s laughing now.”

Critics of the expedition are quick to point out the overabundance of primary care Med Peds jobs indigenous to the continental United States. “Why risk life and limb searching for what may only be a rumor?” asks Chad Nedemeyer M.D., a Med-Peds graduate who actually practices primary care.

Reports also indicate that a sub expedition of Med-Peds explores will press on to the North Pole to search for an Adult Congenital Heart Disease job. Such jobs have long been extinct in North America. The last sighting of a small group of Adult Congenital Heart Disease Jobs indicated they may migrate into the deep artic around the summer solstice for the Northern Hemisphere.

“Why settle for primary care when you are Med-Peds?” Concluded Dr. Murphy. “Yes we know the overwhelming need for primary care in the US, but we train for these 50/50 hospitalist jobs, no one is better suited than us for this type of work.”