Pyongyang, North Korea – Reports have been coming out that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s health is in grave danger after a cardiac procedure. Allegedly, the anus-free Dictator allegedly had a cardiac procedure last week likely related to his BMI of 47 being higher than his presumed age of 37, the dreaded “Rosie O’Donnell” sign.

There are rumors that Kim John-un may in fact already be brain-dead, something many in the west have believed for years.

Since taking over after his father, Kim Jong-Il’s death in 2011, Kim Jong-un has led the reclusive socialist nation to being one of the poorest countries in the world. Presumably because he eats 75% of the nation’s GDP annually.

North Korean state-run media announced today that “Dear Leader is just fine, nothing to see here. We are just letting his lungs, heart, and brain rest for a little while.”

Dr. Byung Kim, the dictator’s cardiologist was not made available for interviews. State-run media reported “The doctor said Kim Jong-un’s heart is the strongest in the world, better than best American athletes. Dr. Kim has graciously offered his heart to Dear Leader should Dear Leader’s heart ever fail. We plan on taking him up on that offer.”

If anything negative happens to Kim Jong-un, it is very likely that Dr. Kim may join North Korea’s first and only COVID case and have the opportunity to die for his country. The ability to die for their country is one of the many reasons the rest of the world has been so peanut butter and jealous of North Koreans.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Earth’s inner core has tested positive for the novel coronavirus, Gomerblog reports.

This is grave news for those holding hope that coronavirus is seasonal considering temperatures at Earth’s center are conjectured to be around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, similar to the temperature of the surface of the sun. In fact, analysis of seismic waves and the planet’s magnetic field suggest COVID-19 might actually be replicating 1,000,000 times faster in the inner core’s iron-nickel alloy compared to Earth’s surface, this despite the inner core having no bat or human hosts.

Scientists worry that if the inner core becomes overrun with COVID-19, there is the real threat the Earth might explode and unleash coronavirus on the rest of the universe, in which case the onus will be on extraterrestrial lifeforms to “flatten the curve.”

The inner core has been asked to practice social distancing, staying at least 6 feet from the Earth’s outer core, mantle, and crust for at least the next 14 days.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new report published in JAMA (Journal Against Medical Advice) found the Food and Drug Administration’s plan to streamline the process of approving drugs has been made possible by removing the cumbersome step of reviewing any and all pertinent evidence.

“When we stepped back and asked what was the biggest hurdle in the FDA’s process of approving of new drugs for the market we found that reviewing clinical trials and their evidence as the major rate-limiting step,” explained FDA spokesperson Ira Brisk. “Over the past few decades, we have made good progress rolling out novel drugs based on weaker evidence. It’s time to take the next step forward. Evidence shmevidence.”

Without the time-consuming process of thoughtfully, carefully and cautiously analyzing the nitty-gritty details of clinical trials, the FDA expects to see the number of same-day drug approvals skyrocket. If it sounds good, it must be good, said one senior FDA official.

If this is indeed the case, the FDA will try to make a strong case for banning the use of evidence as early as 2021.

ATLANTA, GA – First, the Centers of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wants to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year before it drops this depressing piece on y’all: Based on close analysis of data from the previous century, the CDC predicts the 2019 New Year’s Resolution noncompliance rate will be 100% (margin of error 0%).  This does not bode well for people around the country who have decided this is the year to start eating healthy, exercising, losing weight, using less Dilaudid, or giving up any of a number of vices like smoking or nose-picking.  Though the CDC does applaud and encourage the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle, it does want to remind everyone “Let’s not kid ourselves.”  Failing to uphold a New Year’s Resolution is part of the charm of making New Year’s Resolutions in the first place, said the CDC.  In fact, they went so far as to say that upholding a New Year’s Resolution makes you unpatriotic and un-American.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Santa Claus is in critical condition this morning after his Christmas sleigh collided with a drone over Gatwick airport last night.

Witnesses say Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer spotted the drone but didn’t have enough time to avoid it completely.  The drone glossed off of Rudolph’s red nose before careening into the side of Santa’s sleigh, causing it to crash land short of the runway at Gatwick airport.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen were briefly observed at an area hospital but quickly released.  Rudolph’s red nose had superimposed erythema, but he was released too.  Unbelievably, Santa did not sustain any broken bones, a Christmas miracle, thanks to his belly like a bowlful of jelly that cushioned the blow.

According to local law enforcement officials, Paul Gait & Elaine Kirk are suspected to be behind this Christmas travesty.  These are the same two people suspected of causing the cancellation of at least 1,000 flights, affecting hundreds of thousands of travelers.  Rumors are that both Mr. Gait & Mrs. Kirk will end up on Santa’s Naughty List in 2019.

“HO HO HO…rrible people, those two,” Santa said of the two suspects.

Santa is expected to fully recover.  He wants to reassure children and parents around the world not to worry, Christmas will not be ruined and gifts will be delivered on time thanks to his second-in-command: Amazon Prime.

LAKE BLUFF, IL – You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available in a 15.5 gallon keg form.

“Ensure consumers are a loyal fan base and they keep wanting more and more,” said Abbotts Laboratories spokesperson Miranda Ahn.  “Ultimately they wanted this sized Ensure.  Anything short of that would’ve been a failure in ours fans’ eyes.  Failure is never an option.”

For those who want to know the math, an new keg is the equivalent of 248 8-oz Ensures.  One keg will be packed with 54,560 calories, 1,488 grams of fat, 3,720 grams of sugar, and 2,232 grams of protein.

“That’ll be one helluva nutritional keg stand, I’ll tell you what,” explained hospital-based nutritionist Constantine Lowe, whose albumin is 4.0.  “All we need is a Boost ice luge and can have one hell of a protein-calorie party.” 

MENLO PARK, CA – With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers running wide open.

“The drop is significant and Facebook is showing signs of end-organ failure,” commented critical care attending Dr. Will Tucker.  Labs earlier this morning revealed a creatinine of 5.45, AST 465, ALT 678, lactate 4.5, and troponin 0.36.  An earnings anion gap notes a fiscal acidosis of $120 billion.  “Facebook is still alive but hardly kicking and the threat of respiratory failure is real.” 

In order to cover for sepsis, Facebook has been started on broad-spectrum antibiotics.  However, Tucker suspects Facebook’s hemodynamic stability will not be due to infection but post-Cambridge Analytica shock.

Facebook has been so ill it has been unable to “like” any posts in the past 24 hours.

In related news, the ICU team will go against Facebook’s wishes regarding internet privacy and support HIPAA by not sharing any of the social media giant’s personal information.

Everyone has been captivated and relieved with the unbelievable rescue of a Thai soccer team through the heroic efforts of the Thai Navy SEAL team and volunteers.  The Gomerblog team scoured the medical news outlets and here are a sample of some headlines we’ve come across:

Administrators Overseeing Thai Cave Rescue Running Dangerously Low on Kudos

Anesthesia Rescue Diver Gives Thai Cave Mallampati Score of IV

Aussie Anesthesiologist Diver Provides Thai Soccer Team with Life-Saving Sudoku Puzzles

Breaking: Thai Diver Team Charts Progress Notes Every 30 Minutes of Rescue

Surgery Takes Credit for Rescue, Blames Anesthesia for Them Entering

Cave Rescue Cancelled Since Cave Not Made NPO After Midnight

Nurse Places Massive NG Tube to Treat Cave Ileus

Cave Undergoes Massive Diuresis After Age-Based Lasix Dosing

Urology Diver Places Foley in Cave to Successfully Drain Teens, Coach to Safety

Thai Navy SEAL Team Turfs Soccer Team to Hospital Medicine

Orthopod Causes Massive Cave Collapse Trying to Reach Soccer Team with Bigger Mallet

Unhappy with Current Place, Social Work Places Thai Soccer Team into Different Cave

Thai Soccer Team Discovers Love of Dark Spaces and Monotony, Goes Into Radiology

GI Flushes Soccer Team Out of Cave with Heavy Dose of GoVIOLENTLY

Cave Continues to Expel Water and Bats Hours After Team Expelled

Thai Soccer Team Now Knows What Gerbil Trapped in Colon Feels Like

Medical Student Manually Disimpacts Cave to Rescue Thai Soccer Team

Self-Driving Tesla Ambulance Runs Over Thai Soccer Team After Rescue

Rescue Supplies Delivered to Trapped Soccer Team Just Included Vitamin D Tablets

Dermatology Diver Still Insists Thai Soccer Team Put on Sunscreen in Caves

ER Unable to Reach On-Call Caveologist

Pediatric Diver Team Successfully Deploys Teddy Bears, Weight-Based Tylenol Along Rescue Route

Neurosurgical Diver to Remove Top of Cave, Place in Abdomen, Perform Cavoplasty at Later Time

Neurology Consult Recommends MRI, EEG, LP to Localize Kids

ENT Recommends Neti Pot to Flush Out Thai Soccer Team

With Cave Fully Dilated to 10 Centimeters, OB/GYN Team Gives Green Light for Rescue

Admin Asks Thai Soccer Team to Fill Out Patient Satisfaction Surveys

GI Unable to Visualize Soccer Team After Poor Cave Prep

Palliative Care Divers Determine Goals of Cave

Infectious Diseases Divers Totally Nerding Out, Brainstorming Cave-Related Infections

CEO Displeased with Soccer Team’s Length of Stay in Cave

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump announced over Twitter this afternoon that Scott Pruitt will be leaving his leadership role as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) for a job that better suits him: he will be the newest member of the Hospital Ethics Committee (HEC) at George Washington University Hospital.

“I have decided to pursue my dream job as a member of a Hospital Ethics Committee, a position that will allow my strengths to truly shine,” Pruitt told Gomerblog.  As a member of a HEC, Pruitt will help health care professionals deal with ethical challenges arising from clinical practice.  “I wanted to thank President Trump for the opportunity to serve at the EPA.”

Pruitt has been seen as one of Trump’s most controversial Cabinet picks on account of his stance on environmental issues.  Thankfully his responsible use of power, discretionary spending of taxpayer dollars, and lack of ethics violations were never an issue during his tenure.

Both Republicans and Democrats are saddened to see Pruitt go.

“Moron,” said Senator John Kennedy, R-La, on CNN.

In other news, a coalition of doctors, nurses, health care professionals, and patients is assembling based on the new rumor that Pruitt plans to go “back to basics” by rolling back HIPAA and deleting all medical records from existence.