ATLANTA, GA – The most common side effect or adverse reaction healthcare workers are experiencing after the first dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine is hope, Gomerblog reports.

“The Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) has been overwhelmed by thousands of reports from emergency medical technicians, doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, pharmacists, and other healthcare personnel who are experiencing uncomfortable mild but new symptoms such as hope, relief, and optimism,” explained Cazzie Barnes, a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC). “These symptoms have ceased to exist since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, so it is indeed alarming. We need to be cautious and methodical as we process these data, and continue to encourage everyone to report these issues as they arise.”

VAERS was established in 1990 for the purpose of detecting any safety issues for vaccines licensed in the United States. It is co-managed by both the CDC and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). There are no licensed vaccines for COVID-19; however, both Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna received Emergency Use Authorization earlier this month.

Based on a Gomerblog poll of 5,000 healthcare workers who have already received their first dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine, hope was more common than arm injection site pain or headache. Troubling indeed.

In a joint statement today, the CDC and FDA wanted to remind vaccinated healthcare workers should they develop a sudden onset of positivity or an acute facial defect known as a smile to seek medical attention immediately.

MIAMI, FL – August medicine intern Austin Moss asked his attending on rounds, “What’s Covid?” Residency program leadership has already been alerted to this major red flag.

“I keep hearing about this Covid. Like, it keeps coming up over and over again since maybe February but I haven’t really taken the time to figure out what it is everyone’s talking about,” Moss confided to his team. He would’ve noticed all of their jaws dropped to the floor if not for their masks. “Every patient of mine today asked if I have Covid, do I have Covid. So, what’s Covid? Is that a Miami thing? I’m not originally from here. By the way, why are we all wearing masks?”

“July and August interns are generally clueless, it’s expected,” explained Dr. Erika Hill, the internal medicine attending on Austin’s team. “But this just takes it to a new level. I mean, wow.”

Program leadership is leaning towards sending Moss home for a two-week quarantine, not because he is symptomatic with coronavirus, but to protect his patients and allow him to “read up” and “catch up, big time.”

ATLANTA, GA – Beloved father, mother, son, daughter, friend, foe, and hospitalist Dr. Brent Hammersley, 46, died in heroic fashion at work today when he attempted to climb three flights of stairs with both his N95 and surgical mask on. He leaves behind 14 unseen patients, as well as his wife and two children.

He was also the brother of well-known orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley.

Hammersley was waiting for an elevator but when it arrived four healthcare professionals were already inside. Not wanting to overcrowd the elevator an in effort to respect social distancing, he smiled under his masks and simply told them, “That’s okay, I’ll take the stairs.” Those were his last words. One minute later, he was found dead inside the stairwell. The N95 and surgical mask perfectly fitted over his nose and mouth immediately pointed toward the cause.

“If there is one thing more dangerous than stepping into the room of a Covid-positive patient without any personal protective equipment, it is climbing up the stairs double-masked,” said pulmonologist Dr. Evelyn Wu, who has avoided the hospital stairwells since the spring of 2012. According to Wu, a double-masked healthcare professional, especially if one of those two masks is an N95, typically gets short of breath after climbing one flight of stairs, begins to tripod and use accessory muscles after two flights, and is most certainly dead by the third flight.

“You know what I’ll miss most?” asked Brock Hammersley, lifting weights in his brother’s memory. “His biceps. His big brotherly biceps.”

Wu was very adamant in his caution to fellow healthcare professionals. “You just can’t take the stairs, you can’t. It’s a death wish. Do the right thing: keep the mask on and wait for an elevator. We need you on the front lines.”

NEW HAVEN, CT – A patient and her inpatient medicine team at Yale Medical Center are relieved to report that her nasopharyngeal swab for Covid-19 has come back positive, negative & indeterminate. This marks a huge diagnostic win for healthcare professionals who are now six months into the pandemic.

“Just think about it, six months ago we didn’t have any tests or if we did the turnaround time took anywhere from 5 to 7 days,” explained Yale hospitalist Dr. Trevor Monahan. “But fast forward to today. It took only 12 hours to get this test result back. It really is a game-changer.”

“I’m relieved to say the least,” explained patient 37-year-old Alexandra Chin, who wished to remain nameless. She has been improving every day and says her team is thinking about discharging her home in the next 24 to 48 hours. “I was really worried that I came down with coronavirus. Thank goodness that swab helped clear things up.”

BOSTON, MA – A landmark, peer-reviewed study published earlier today in the New England Journal of COVID-19 suggests that the cure for novel coronavirus, better known as Covid-19, is most likely in the same elusive vortex, parallel universe, or alternate dimension that contains all of our missing pens. That’s bad news considering we haven’t found our pens. STILL.

In less than a year, there has been tremendous progress made in our understanding of Covid-19: the hyperexaggerated immune response in the form of cytokine storm, macrovascular and microvascular thrombi associated with a virus-induced hypercoaguable state, and the role of non-mask-wearers in contributing to human extinction. But despite those things, treatments are few, and a cure doesn’t yet exist.

“It’s the same thing with our pens,” explained infectious diseases physician Maryanne Rex, who has been paged every 26 seconds since the Covid-19 pandemic started. “We know so much, about how we can prevent the loss of pens by not sharing them, by protecting ourselves by carrying lots of pens, but we still aren’t any closer to a finding those pens even after decades and decades of searching.”

Many healthcare professionals believe that the shortage of pens has directly impacted the chase for a cure. “Doctors and scientists may get inspired or have an epiphany when they least expect it, not dissimilar to artists and musicians. I’m afraid that many potential cures for Covid-19 have been thought of, but because they didn’t have a pen to write it down the cures were forgotten and as a result the pandemic continues.”

We are more than 6 months into the pandemic caused by novel coronavirus Covid-19. Let us review how to appropriately obtain a nasopharyngeal swab.

Before entering into the room, be sure to call your parents and tell them you love them.  Wash your hands with soap & water or alcohol-based sanitizer for at least 30 minutes.  If someone else has gowned up and beat you to collecting the specimen, your job is done.  If not, sigh. Sigh once more, but this time more dramatically for all to hear. Put on a N95 mask and eye protection, and enter the room. Alternatively, quit medicine.

Your patient should already be wearing a mask.  If not, kindly remind them to put on a mask while you find your supervisor and say you’ve been exposed and need to be quarantined for 6 months.

If the patient doesn’t wish to be swabbed, respect their wish for a few seconds then smack a little sense into them; it’s a pandemic for Pete’s sake.

Remove the swab from the packaging.  Save the packaging because hoarding is appropriate during a pandemic. Ask the patient to pull their mask down and tilt their head back.  If your patient’s neck snaps back completely exposing Pez, please take one and enjoy.

The swab should be inserted into the nostril, but it’s not uncommon to accidentally end up in the rectum or vagina. 

Advance the swab along the nasal floor and septum until you feel resistance.  Plant and steady your back foot, and drive the swab past the resistance; this will ensure pathology has an adequate brainstem sample.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the swab should be placed for several seconds, rotating the swab for the entire duration.  According to Infection Prevention at Gomerblog, the swab should be placed for several days, with a medical student rotating the swab for the entire duration.  If you have several medical students available, hold the swab steady and rotate the patient for the entire duration.

Open the collection tube and place the swab into the tube, while repeating saying, “OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD.” Immediately run out of the room in a panic and throw it at the first person you see. It is now a game of Hot Potato; don’t lose! Place both the collection tube and the person holding the collection tube into a biohazard bag. Walk the swab down to Pharmacy. There, they will tell you that you are in the wrong department. Walk the swab down to Laboratory Services.

Wait anywhere from 24 hours to 7 days for the result to come back as indeterminate.

ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to improve diagnostic yield and address the issue of false test results both positive and negative, new guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control & Preventions (CDC) now recommends swabbing all of patient’s orifices simultaneously for Covid-19.

“If you have a patient with symptoms concerning for coronavirus and the nasopharyngeal swab is negative that’s one thing,” explained Director of the CDC Robert R. Redfield. “But if that same patient has a negative left nasopharyngeal swab, negative right nasopharyngeal swab, negative bilateral eye and ear swabs, negative umbilical swab, negative colorectal and vaginal swabs, negative urethral swab, you have to feel confident the patient is truly negative. Or if all the orifices are positive, then that’s really concerning.”

The CDC recommends using a new swab for each orifice. For now, at least.

“If we run into the situation, say this coming fall and winter, where we are experiencing a shortage of medical tests, then we may have to be frugal and use one swab for every orifice,” added Redfield, immediately shuddering at the thought. “Let’s pray it doesn’t come to that. And if it does, let me recommend that we swab from top to bottom and not from bottom to top.”

At 9am Tuesday morning, medical student Colin G was making coffee in his PJ’s when he received a text from his Aunt Jan.

“Hi Colin, this is your Aunt Jan. How are you? I’m sure you’re just so busy right now. I hope all is well, thank you for fighting the Covid 19!! Be safe!”

As the text was designated “FYI,” Colin waited to respond until after he finished watching videos from his newly downloaded TikTok app.

This came just one day after receiving a similar text from his landlord. Colin says that while he appreciates the thanks, it is really the patients who motivate him to get up each day and play Xbox while watching a lecture on Zoom.

Medical students across the country have received similar messages of support from relatives, neighbors, and friends. However, controversy has surrounded the acceptance of this well-wishing, with many medical students unsure of whether to bask in the glory or explain the meaning of their designation as “nonessential personnel.”

“I mean, who am I to tell them I was pulled off my laparoscopic surgery rotation two weeks ago,” commented one third-year student.

Schools have scrambled to put together coursework to keep students busy during what many have seen as an extended vacation. These have included classes on virology, pandemic medicine, and the science of fighting your housemates for WI-FI bandwidth.

While the expected duration of the crisis remains unclear, students like Colin have expressed continued resolve to do their part.

“It feels good to know I’m playing even a small a role in this crisis. And if they do let me graduate early to help, I wouldn’t mind. I hear third and fourth year can be such a drag.”

WUHAN, CHINA – Chinese officials just released footage that show a Wuhan Virus Lab intern pounding vial after vial of Coronavirus instead of his Corona Beer. “You can tell by the footage, here and here, that our intern drank 3 vials of Coronavirus instead of his 6-pack of corona beer that he brought in, seen here” Chen Huagu told reporters while playing the Virology Lab’s footage for everyone. “His six-pack of beer stays a full six-pack throughout all of his chugging vial after vial of Coronavirus. He gets up to 7 or 8 vials before he notices his mistake.”

Wuhan’s Virology Lab is now “re-thinking” its beer in the lab policy after this fatal mix up.

“I was like whoa brah, I’m not even feeling these!” Intern Devon Koff told reporters. “I looked down after seven brewskis, which I thought was odd since I only brought six, and I still had more!” Dr. Koff “totally nabbed a sweet China gig” last year when he applied to intern at the now world famous virology lab.

Devon Koff, now known as patient zero, then left the lab to “score a pizza” where he started hugging “every babe and bro” he could find. This transmission of coronavirus couldn’t have catapulted off to a more catastrophic start if it was planned.

Interns are responsible for hundreds of patient deaths or “near misses” every year. This mistake certainly tops them all.

Atlanta, GA – CDC released new guidelines Thursday which includes a “Duct Tape Mask” for Dr. Oz to wear. “These new guidlines should have been in place years ago,” Dr. Stephanie Harper the head of CDC public policy told reporters. “These new guidlines should significantly slow-down the spread of false information.”

Dr. Oz who became a famous for playing a doctor on TV recently has been an self described expert on the Coronavirus and the Economy. Each on their own would take decades to master but he has managed to read “a couple studies” and explain what is best.

“We thought we could slow down the spread of the virus by slowing down false information,” Dr. Harper explained further. “The best way to do this is Duct Tape, the good stuff.

Dr. Oz‘s latest controversy came during a clip on cable news where he said: “I tell you, schools are a very appetizing opportunity, [to start opening the economy],” adding that resuming classes, according to his reading of a new medical journal analysis, “may only cost us 2 to 3 percent in terms of total mortality.”